The Reluctant Dom Read online

  Fuck it.

  He used the bathroom before pulling on some running clothes. He listened at his bedroom door for a moment, heard Leah and Kaden talking in the kitchen, and quietly walked down the hall and let himself out the front door.

  The morning felt cool, but even though it was December the highs were predicted to be in the upper seventies. Seth didn’t bother stretching. He hurried down the driveway at a quick, loping pace, wanting to put distance between himself and the house and the sound of Kaden’s accusation ringing in his ears.

  How could he not feel badly about what he did? Fuck! He’d hate himself every time he saw the mark. Maybe it wouldn’t leave one. Still, he’d feel horrible about it.

  The sound of her pained yelp as the whip cut her.

  Christ, he’d never get that out of his brain.

  He picked up the pace, running faster, harder, until he was pushing himself at a blistering sprint. When he finally ran out of wind he was on the other side of the development.

  At least this whole thing had forced him to get back in shape. He’d almost returned to his Army weight, and most of the flab around his belly had melted away. He looked decent, had regained most of his stamina. In the small park he stopped, did fifty push-ups, fifty sit-ups, and started running again.

  He didn’t want to return home.

  Home. Funny, it was home. Kaden said he needed to see it as his home. Despite hating the circumstances, Seth begrudgingly admitted yeah, it was home.

  His home.

  His woman.

  Maybe he was still missing a key point in understanding this crazy mess. When he thought of Kaden being angry, Seth still wanted to punch his lights out.

  He’d hurt Leah. How could Kaden be okay with that?

  He purposely avoided the house. He didn’t know what time it was. He guessed he’d been gone for over an hour by the way the sun had moved.

  He stopped at the park again, took a sip of water from the drinking fountain, then stood in the shade to stretch. He lay back in the grass and clasped his hands behind his head. Above him, soft clouds scudded across a bright, blue December sky.

  His first year in the Army, he’d been stuck in Germany. What a fucking miserable place that had been for a native Florida boy. After he was sent to Iraq he missed the cold Berlin nights while he was sweating his ass off inside a Humvee under thirty pounds of body armor and another thirty of gear while trying not to get shot at.

  He closed his eyes and tried to clear his mind. Every time he did, the sound of Leah’s pained yelp pierced through his soul.

  Well, imagine that. Something to finally take the mental heartbeat—

  kaden’sdying

  —away. I’ll be damned.

  What a fucking suck way to do it.

  After a while he stretched, did more sit-ups and push-ups, and slowly lapped the development again. Back to the park.

  School was still in session, so he had the place to himself.

  He lay back in the grass and stared at the sky. This was too much. Too. Fucking. Much. He’d finally fried his brain.

  He didn’t pay any attention to the sound of the car pulling into the park. He heard a door open and close and someone walking on the sidewalk toward him.

  When the shadow fell across him, he realized it was Leah.

  “Is this a private pity party, or can anyone join?”

  He rolled into a sitting position. “How can you fucking stand to look at me?”

  She sat close, cross-legged, in front of him on the grass. She’d put on a T-shirt and shorts that covered the bruise.

  “It was an accident. Accidents are going to happen. I meant it when I said Kaden nailed me a lot worse than that over the years. You will too. It’s going to happen. It’s just an occupational hazard.”

  “That’s not funny.”

  “If this isn’t bothering me, why is it bothering you? What’s really going on?”

  He clenched his jaw. “I can’t understand why Kaden was pissed at me this morning for being upset that I hurt you.” Might as well get it all out there. They’d told him they wanted honesty. “I fucking hate myself, and he’s calling me a pussy for feeling bad that I hurt you.”

  She grabbed his hand and wouldn’t let him pull away. When he finally met her gaze, she softly spoke. “You love me. And I know that. You were doing what I asked you to do. You didn’t punch me or stab me. If I was helping you work on the car, for example? What if I was helping you do that, and in the process you accidentally hurt me? Would you feel like this then?”

  “That wouldn’t be deliberate. It’s not the same fucking thing.”

  “It is the same thing.” She squeezed his hand. “It would be an accident. No different. The first time Kade drew blood on me I thought he was going to barf and cry, and I was praying oh, God, please don’t let him pass out because we were alone and I was tied to the bench. I love you, Seth. Trust me, everything you’re feeling, he’s felt. Only it’s taken him twenty years and we’re trying to cram it all into you in a few months. This makes me love you more, that you’re doing something so obviously unnatural for you because of your love for me. How could I hate you when you’re my life?”

  “You love Kaden.”

  “And I love you.” Her eyes brimmed with tears, but she looked away for a minute and composed herself. “When you went in for your hernia operation, who was there waiting for you in recovery?”

  “You.”

  “Who took care of you?”

  “You.”

  “If you’d come to Kaden and told him the news he’d knocked you and me over with, I would still be taking care of you. I love you. I love you as much as I love him. Yes, I have a longer history with him, have shared things with him that…” Her voice choked, and she held up a hand to make him stay silent while she recovered.

  “I’m going to miss him like hell when he’s gone,” she eventually continued. “It’s going to rip half my soul out. If you weren’t here for me, I would fucking give up and die the minute he quit breathing. I’m still not sure how I’m going to keep going. All I know is you won’t let me die.”

  Her voice dropped to a whisper. “We don’t have time for you to learn every single thing he’s learned about me in twenty years. You have to trust us when we tell you things. I’m telling you, this is okay. This is not a big deal. You’ve come so far and learned so much in the past few months, it’s amazing. It’s breathtaking. I’ve loved him as his wife for years. But from the moment I met you, I knew you completed me. I couldn’t tell you, and it killed me for so long.”

  She looked away again, but he spotted her tears. “For all three of your weddings, Kaden made me promise not to say anything when they asked if there were objections. He almost forced me to stay home for the third one.”

  It would have been impossible for Kaden to miss them—he was always Seth’s best man.

  Seth felt his heart roll again. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

  “It’s okay.” She looked at him. “It’s done. We can’t get that time back.” She leaned in closer. “We have now. Right now. He’s still strong, and he’s still in decent health. Please don’t let guilt over something you don’t need to keep feeling guilty over ruin what time he’s got left with us. He needs to feel sure that when he goes, we’ll be okay.”

  She laid her palm against his cheek. “I love you. I have to focus on him, I know. But it helps knowing I have you there to catch me when I get to the point where I don’t think I’ll be able to go on. You’re my safety net. And while it fucking hurts like hell to think of a future without him in it, I know that somehow, you’ll get me through to the other side and we’ll start healing together.”

  “He said I need to learn to stand up to you.”

  “Well, that’s easy for him to say. He’s had twenty years. But he’s right. I do tend to push your buttons more because I know I can. There are times I wish you’d stand up to me more.”

  “Really?”

  She nodded. ��Yeah.”

  “Not about this whipping crap.”

  She wiped her eyes and laughed. “No, I was ready to play even dirtier to make that happen.” She laced her fingers through both his hands. “Come back with me. Please? Let’s take a shower and start the day over. There will be times you accidentally hurt me. I trust you, Seth. I know you don’t take this stuff lightly. I know you do everything in your power to make it as safe as possible. I trust you with the ropes even, because I’ve seen how closely you pay attention to what he tells and shows you. I can turn around and get out there right now and let you take a turn at me with the singletail, without hesitation. I know the risks. I know there is always a chance of injury. I also trust you will do everything in your power to be as safe as you can.”

  “He’s right. I am a fucking pussy.”

  “No, you’re a guy in a tough situation. You grew up with Kaden. He didn’t go from being nice guy to Master and Dom in a couple of months. I’ll never forget the look on his face that first night.” He knew from her expression that she was recalling the past. “He was so angry at me for hurting myself. But even more, he was scared. I remember I screamed at him that he didn’t know shit about me and he was fucking mean to make me promise not to do it and I don’t know what all I said. I couldn’t tell you if I tried.

  “Then he grabbed me and spanked me. And when I looked up at him, he was just…well, sort of like you looked when you were trying to see how bad I was hurt. Horrified. I knew immediately he didn’t mean to do it. I knew he didn’t enjoy doing it.” She shook her head. “I think maybe that’s why I wanted him to keep doing it. Why I was able to promise him and keep it that time, mostly.”

  Her voice dropped to a whisper. “He was the first person in my life who hurt me but he didn’t enjoy it. Do you think he just jumped into this with both feet? You know him. The only reason he did it was for me. Not because he enjoyed it. Don’t let him fool you. He was just as scared as you are now. Probably even more.”

  “He sure doesn’t look like it.”

  “That’s twenty years of experience.”

  Seth took a deep breath, trying to buy himself time. “I meant it when I said I’m going to need time to just be vanilla.”

  “I already told you, that’s fine. I’ll be honest if I need a session or spanking.”

  He studied her. “How can you be so certain I’m capable of doing this?”

  “Because I love you. I have more trust in you from nearly twenty years of friendship than I do in Tony’s twenty-plus years of being a Dom. He’s a great guy, and I consider him a friend, but he didn’t walk through hell and back with me.”

  “I haven’t.”

  “You are right now, aren’t you?”

  Yeah, she was right about that.

  She stood and offered her hand. “Please?”

  After a long moment he stood, took her hand, and followed her to the car.

  * * * *

  Later that afternoon, Leah made Seth go to the backyard with her. “You have to do this. Just two strikes, that’s all I’ll make you do. If you don’t do it, you’ll never want to do it.”

  “Get back on the fucking horse, huh?”

  “Well, spanking horse.” She grinned.

  “Oh, fuck me. You are too much, girl.” He finally took the whip. “Okay, but it’s your ass.”

  She turned, winked. “No, actually, it’s Your ass, Sir.”

  He couldn’t help it. He hardened in his jeans. Fuck, that was one button he didn’t mind her being able to push.

  She knelt on the ground while Seth tried to shake the tension out of his arms. After he couldn’t put it off any longer, he threw.

  He nailed her perfectly, right in the middle of her ass.

  He struck again, another perfect hit.

  She sat up and turned, looked at him. “You okay?”

  He nodded. “Yeah.” He hesitated. “Do you want a few more?”

  She smiled and wiggled her ass. “I thought you’d never ask.”

  He went a total of ten before his nerves gave out. “I’m done. I’m sorry.”

  She stood, walked over to him. She put her arms around him and kissed him. “See? That was perfect.”

  He knew what she was up to. She wore nothing but the heavy leather jacket, and the way she was bumping and grinding against him made him even harder.

  “You keep that up, you’re getting fucked.”

  “Really?” She grinned.

  He dropped the whip and pushed her to the ground. He shoved her legs apart and unfastened his jeans. “Yeah, really.”

  He plunged into her wet heat, grabbed her hips, and fucked her hard. She held on and met each thrust. When he came he collapsed on top of her.

  “Feel better?” she purred.

  “No.”

  He heard her puzzled tone. “Why not?”

  “Because you need a good spanking before I let you come, that’s why. I want to get every inch of that sweet ass red. If you behave, I might talk to Master about us both fucking you tonight.”

  She made a small, surprised sound. “Really?” she gasped.

  “Yeah, but only if your ass is waiting for me on the spanking horse when I get up there.”

  She practically pushed him off her and ran for the house.

  Seth shook his head and laughed. Okay, so maybe some of this he could get into.

  Kaden looked up from his newspaper when Seth walked through a moment later. “What’s going on?”

  “I’ve got me a slave to spank and molest, buddy. Care to join me?”

  He threw the paper down and stood to follow him. “Duh.”

  Chapter Nineteen

  Leah hated spending time away from “her boys,” but both men were in agreement she needed something to keep her busy. Seth wondered if Kaden shared his worry that once the fundraising banquet was over she would need something else to distract her.

  Not only did Leah coordinate all those arrangements, she still dealt with the parties and dinners they would have at the house. Seth helped out as much as he could, as much as Leah would let him.

  She’d worked herself half to death, nearly to the point of exhaustion, Seth opined, but he followed Kaden’s lead and let her do what she needed to do.

  As the night of the banquet drew near, Seth was surprised to find he’d be going. Not only that but sitting at the table with her and Kaden.

  “Um, sweetie, not a good idea.”

  “Why not?”

  He couldn’t think of a legitimate reason. Most of Kaden and Leah’s closest friends and family already knew of Kaden’s “hopes” that Leah and Seth would get together after his death. Seth was surprised to find that most supported them. The ones that mattered, at least.

  “You sure you want me there?”

  “I already got your tux. You have to go.”

  He didn’t force the issue. He’d also hoped to stay home and have a long evening alone so he could cry himself to sleep. And give them a special evening alone together, one Leah could remember and enjoy.

  That plan, shot to hell.

  Seth had a thought and made a couple of phone calls. Kaden would be surprised, but he wouldn’t let Leah balk and spoil Seth’s fun.

  The night of the banquet, Seth finalized his plans and rode with them in Leah’s Lexus to Sarasota. As the organizer, Leah introduced the keynote speaker, a county commissioner. Then she returned to sit between her two men. Under the table, she reached out a hand to each and held them.

  Seth worried everyone watched them. No one did, of course. No one could even see.

  At one point after the food was served, Seth slipped out to the car to take care of his plans. He smiled, knowing that while Leah might be a little irritated at him at first, she would thank him later.

  He knew Kaden would.

  After dinner there was dancing. Seth hated to dance. He sat back and watched as Kaden and Leah gracefully moved around the floor with other couples. They looked so perfect together. Seth knew Kaden had lost a pound or two, but his skin color still looked normal. The typical jaundice hadn’t set in yet, might not for a while. A few times he’d caught Kaden looking a little queasy. Kaden had sworn him to secrecy on those incidents.

  Still, at the last doctor visit he was doing well, all things considered.

  Seth slipped outside for some air. He stood and stared at the well-decorated atrium. In some ways, this Christmas was the best and worst of his life. Best because he felt like, for the first time since he’d left home, that he was part of a family again. Not even with his exes had he felt like that. Was that a fault on his part, or theirs, or both? And the worst…

  Well, obviously.

  Thank God Kaden wouldn’t die this Christmas. Not with Leah’s birthday so close to the day. That would push her over the edge.

  When he felt a hand on his shoulder, he turned and looked into Leah’s green eyes.

  “Hey, why are you out here?”

  He shrugged and offered up a wan smile. “Just needed some air.”

  “Will you come dance with me? Please?”

  “I think you should go dance with Kaden. I’m a sucky dancer.” The music drifted out to them through the doorway.

  “One dance?” Her green eyes melted him.

  “One. Right here.” He opened his arms and enfolded her. He rested his cheek against the top of her head and slowly swayed in time with the music. He’d give her this much tonight, because he wanted her happy. But he wanted her focus to be on Kaden.

  At the end of the song he kissed the top of her head and gently patted her ass. “Go back inside. I’ll be there in a minute.”

  She went.

  He took a deep, ragged breath. It would be lonely this weekend without them at home, but it was for the best. He’d have, hopefully, a lifetime with her.

  After.

  Kaden wouldn’t.

  When he knew he could maintain his façade, he finally walked inside.

  * * * *

  While Leah consulted with the caterer about some last-minute dessert logistics, Seth moved to sit next to Kaden. “Hey. Need to talk to you.”

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