Empty-Handed Heart Read online

  “Heading out tonight. Got rid o’ a bunch of stuff I didn’t feel like moving. Everything else is boxed up. Bunch o’ people from work coming over to help load the truck and get the car on the hauler.”

  “Need any extra hands?”

  “Thanks, mate, but it’s covered.” He took another sip of the hot brown sanity maker. “Got a storage unit rented in Sarasota where I’m dropping the truck off.”

  “You going to be able to make the drive that fast for the turnaround to teach next weekend?”

  “Yeah. It’ll be tight, but I mapped the mileage. Get through that weekend, then I can find me a place to live.”

  “Or see if Aden’s still single.”

  Niall didn’t reply.

  “You could look him up on Facebook.”

  “I haven’t been on there in over a year. Don’t even know if he’s still friends with me on there. Anyway, he hadn’t been active on there much as o’ two years ago. I stopped checkin’.”

  “Sounds like the two of you are still silently circling each other.”

  “Manner of speakin’, I suppose.”

  “Normally I don’t get involved, or offer unsolicited advice—”

  “But I’m a special kind o’ moron?” He smiled at Doyle over the rim of his coffee cup as he took another sip.

  “You obviously still love him. Fuck, you haven’t even been with anyone since him?”

  Niall winced. “I said that, did I?”

  “You did. You said it, cried it on my shoulder all the way home, asked me why you were such an ‘idjit,’ begged me to tell you he’d still want you, begged me to tell you you’d find someone else, and then wondered if you were an ‘idjit’ for not trying to date since him.”

  “Yeah, well…” He sighed. “Not like I didn’t have the bar set pretty damn high.”

  “Why didn’t you tell him you fucked up and go back to Florida?”

  “Because I’m Dr. Niall Renard, a very special kind o’ moron. Thought we already established that?”

  “Want me to make a few calls? Tony or Loren or Marcia? One of them will know something.”

  Niall slowly shook his head. “Want to get through the teachin’ gig, settle in at work, find a place to live. Once that’s all done I can see…” He didn’t finish. “Better to go in blind.”

  “You’re right. You are a special kind of moron.”

  Niall saluted him with the coffee mug. “Thought we established that, mate.”

  * * * *

  Twelve hours later, Niall sat behind the wheel of the moving truck and remembered the last time he’d done this, only in reverse. Doyle had dropped him off at the moving truck place after he’d finished waking up and had drunk a second mug of coffee.

  He had moved out here light, only the bare-bones basics, leaving the rest for Aden in the house they’d shared.

  A house Aden had bought and put in his name and had asked Niall to move into with him. Another reason Niall couldn’t have made him give up Florida, because he knew how much emotional investment Aden put into that house.

  His first home in his life.

  His.

  His and the bank’s, but still, a place no one could run him out of, transfer him from, make him feel like an invader or interloper or unwelcomed guest. A place where he could make his own rules about what he did and when he did it.

  Until the day Niall died, he’d never forget the happy tears Aden had shed while signing the paperwork. Niall had been neck deep in student loan debt and would have only been a hindrance had he applied for the loan with him.

  Aden had asked him to, anyway, wanted it to be their home. Niall hadn’t wanted to drag him down with his sucky credit rating. Aden had been fortunate to have state scholarships and funding for college because of aging out of the foster care system, so he’d had a clean credit rating. Besides, it wasn’t like they could get married back then.

  Niall had been scared of how good and perfect things were between them. How he felt less-than in his own head. How he wanted to do better for Aden, show him he’d earned the trust and love Aden had placed in him.

  Feckin’ moron. That’s what I am.

  Five years ago with tears drying on his cheeks, he’d driven into the void and left Florida and Aden and nearly all of his heart and soul behind.

  Now he was once again driving into the void and unsure if he’d regret this even more than his initial journey.

  But at thirty-seven, Niall knew he couldn’t keep doing what he was doing, in a place he was miserable doing it.

  If he wanted to finally get on with his life, either he needed to win Aden back…or figure out how the fuck to release him in his heart and soul.

  Chapter Three

  After dinner, Aden left Etsu to clean up the kitchen. He was her Dominant, but not an asshole. Whoever cooked didn’t have to clean up. On the nights she cooked, he gladly helped out and did the dishes.

  While she did that, he lounged against the counter and talked to her. “Why do you think you had problems today?”

  “I don’t know. I woke up feeling kinda wheezy and ended up using the inhaler on my way to work. I was feeling better. I probably shouldn’t have gone out at lunch. I should have ordered takeout, but I didn’t want to spend the money on delivery. I walked down the block to the sandwich shop. I needed to use it again after lunch.”

  “Probably car exhaust from walking, in addition to everything else. And the walking.”

  She sighed. “Yes, Sir. Probably.”

  “You can’t push yourself when you feel one coming on, or you’re not feeling your best.”

  “I only wanted lunch. I hate not being able to just…do shit when I want to. Like normal people.”

  “I know, sweetheart, but it’s more important for you to be alive to do the shit, right?”

  “Right,” she grumbled.

  He got it. Sometimes her emotional responses were due to her body’s limitations. She had to be careful with exercise, to not overdo things. She loved running, but she couldn’t do it outside most of the time, and needed to keep her time on a treadmill short and low-impact on days when her asthma was bothering her.

  It frustrated her and he totally understood that, considering what he did for a living.

  He also wanted to divert her attention from that now that he had an answer. “What’s new with your parents?”

  “Oh.” She turned from the sink. “Um, you might not like this.”

  His gut clenched even though he went for a smile and teasing tone. “Probably not, when you open with a line like that, no.”

  “I’ve basically been ordered to bring you to dinner this Friday night at my parents’ house. It’s Tosh’s birthday, and they’re throwing a party for him. All hands.”

  He smirked. “Ran out of ways to stall them, huh?” But he considered this a good thing.

  “Yeah. Look, I apologize in advance for them. If you want me to tell them you had an emergency patient to evaluate or something—”

  “Honey, I’ve been wanting to get this over with for a while. I think it’s contributing to your anxiety.”

  Her shoulders tensed, a clear sign he was right. “I know,” she muttered. “Think you can work with me before we get there? Maybe put me in trance and just keep me there the whole night?”

  “Doesn’t work like that, sweetie. You know it doesn’t. Or I’d gladly say yes. Besides, that won’t help you in the long run, and you know it. It’s only a delaying tactic.”

  “This is usually the point where I start the countdown to losing my boyfriend.”

  He stepped in and turned her from the sink, holding her. “Honey, I’m not them. You know my history. It will take a lot more than overprotective parents to drive me off. I…” He sighed. “Hell, I held a torch for Ren for years, hoping he’d come back. I’m kind of used to toughing things out to a masochistic level.”

  She played with his shirt buttons. “I still say that’d be hot, watching you two together.” She playfully smiled up at
him, trying to distract him and shift the topic from her family.

  When they’d first met, Aden had been open with her that he was bi and had been a slave to Ren. Never lied about his previous relationship.

  Ever since, she’d had a…thing about it. A good thing. A not-so-teasing default opinion that if his ex ever reappeared in Aden’s life, she wanted a front-row seat at the reunion.

  If not sandwiched in a prime spot between them, at the very least Ren could always be Aden’s default hall-pass fuck.

  He wouldn’t deny it was a hot fantasy of his, too, no matter how much it tortured his heart and soul to contemplate it. He and Ren hadn’t shared a woman, but it wasn’t off the plate in terms of the rules of their relationship, back then. They’d never met a woman who made them want to open what they had to a third. Ren was gay with a homoflexible bent, and had been with women in the past.

  But in the eight years they’d spent together, Aden had learned more about himself and love and passion and a lot of other things, more than he’d ever thought he’d know.

  Including heartbreak.

  Not tonight.

  He did not want to think about that man tonight. He did enough thinking about Him.

  He wanted tonight to be about Etsu.

  Leaning in, he slanted his lips over hers, soaking in the soft, sweet sounds she made as he kissed her. He lingered, tracing her lips with his tongue, waiting until he knew she was really into it…

  Then he lifted his mouth from hers and smiled down at her. “Hurry up and finish and meet me in the bedroom.”

  She swayed on her feet a little when he released her. “Yes, Sir.”

  * * * *

  Etsu watched Aden walk out of the kitchen then shook herself.

  Dummy! Get the dishes done!

  Aden had an amazing way of shutting down her brain and doing things to her body, like he knew how to crawl through her nervous system and exactly which switches to flip.

  Now that she’d thought about his ex, she wouldn’t deny that had her wet. No, it’d never happen. Hell, she didn’t even know what the guy looked like. Aden didn’t have any pictures of them together on display, other than one of them kissing. But from the angle it’d been taken, the sun had been setting behind them and you couldn’t see Ren’s face.

  Losing him had gutted Aden, that much she knew. And Aden wanted to protect Ren’s privacy, because he was a psychologist. She got it. Aden had welcomed her to talk to any of their friends in the Suncoast Society about Ren, but as far as personal details about the man, Aden preferred not to discuss them, not ever wanting there to be kinky ammunition someone else could use against the man.

  Ren had moved to California…and that was that. She’d looked at Ren’s old FetLife profile once, when she’d first started dating Aden, but it’d been inactive for a long time and there were no face pics on there, anyway.

  Ren was the reason Aden knew about hypnosis, and he’d told her about how he and Ren used to present classes on it.

  She had talked to Tony, especially. She wasn’t an idiot, no matter what her family might think. Aden had given their friends permission to answer any of her questions, as long as they didn’t reveal personal information about Ren that could harm him.

  She got it. One of their friends, Joel, his batshit ex had outed him years ago when Joel broke up with him, then later tried to kill Joel’s new boyfriend, Fen. Well, now-husband, but they’d still been dating then.

  If things didn’t work out between her and Aden, Aden wanted there to be nothing that could be leveraged against Ren, and she understood that. She didn’t blame him. If anything, it showed the level of compassion and honor Aden had, wanting to protect a man who’d broken his heart.

  Aden still loved the man, had parted friends and lovers with him. Felt protective of him.

  Aden also promised that, if they were together for the long-haul, someday he would take her up to Tampa to meet Ren’s dad, who was like an adopted father to Aden. While they’d been seeing each other for six months, the first few weeks they’d only seen each other once or twice a week, so it wasn’t like they’d had 24/7 time together that whole time. Only in the past month had she been spending more than one or two nights a week with Aden. He’d wanted to take things slowly and cautiously after having his heart broken the last time.

  Tony had told her about topping Aden a few times in the early days, when Aden was still struggling, processing, and needed more than just an ear. That’d been before Tony had met his wife, Shayla.

  Etsu never got the feeling Aden was being anything but honest with her.

  She just…

  Hell, she liked watching male-male porn. Many of the books on her Kindle featured male-male pairings, or even MMF ménages, where the lady got the best of both worlds.

  Was it wrong to fantasize about wanting some of that herself, even if she knew it’d never happen?

  After she finished cleaning the kitchen she headed back to the master bedroom. Aden sat propped up in bed, naked, the TV on.

  He gave her a playful smile and patted the bed in front of him, spreading his thighs for her.

  Eagerly, she went. Crawling across the bed on all fours, she smiled up at him. “Hi.”

  He chuckled. “Hi. I know what you want. Won’t make you beg for it tonight, baby.”

  She dove for his cock, her eyes falling closed and a happy sigh escaping her as his hands gently threaded through her hair. Oooh, one of her favorite things. First guy she’d been with who not only trimmed his bush, but shaved his balls, too.

  Something else she could thank Ren for, if she ever met him.

  Aden was the first partner she’d had who took time to actually tell her what he liked, how to make it feel good. Likewise, he was the first partner she’d had who’d bothered to ask her how things felt, what to do differently, better—to make sure she felt good, too.

  He wasn’t the first guy she’d played with, but he was the first one with whom she’d settled into what was looking more and more like a long-term relationship. The first guy she’d played privately with, after talking with lots of other people first and playing with him several times at Venture.

  He’d never violated her trust. If anything, he’d gone out of his way to an annoying extent to make sure he wasn’t moving too fast.

  He’d taken his time, taken care, and taken charge.

  Now if my parents don’t blow this for me…

  Although with Aden’s cock in her mouth, the last thing she wanted to think about was her family.

  “Come back to me, baby.”

  She looked up into his brown eyes and found him smiling down at her. That was another thing—he could read her in a spooky-good way.

  “I saw your mind wandering.”

  She went deeper on his cock, loving his soft moans as she did. There was something so sexy about having his cock in her mouth, trust on his part, too, as she lightly raked her teeth along his flesh. She could do this all night long to him, and he was the first partner she’d had with whom she actually had this much fun giving head.

  When she felt him lightly tap her on the head, she looked up again into his smiling face. “Roll over, baby.”

  She didn’t relinquish him. “Uh-uh,” she mumbled around his flesh.

  Another beloved game.

  His smile widened. “Give the toy back.”

  She deep-throated him. “Uh-uh.”

  With his thumb, he touched the center of her forehead just above the bridge of her nose and rubbed gentle circles there. “Give it, pet.”

  It was hard to keep her eyes open when he did that. It was one of the first triggers he’d set with her, to relax her, or distract her…

  With his other hand, he stroked the shell of her right ear with his fingers, and pleasure rolled through her, her clit throbbing now.

  All part of the game.

  She whimpered around his cock as her eyes fell closed.

  Maybe she wouldn’t get the spanking she’d hoped for tonight,
but if Aden was starting in on her with triggers this early, it meant he planned to put her through the wringer before they fell asleep.

  Yay!

  He lightly pinched her ear. Her mouth dropped open as she moaned, sooo close to an orgasm but…

  Not able to get over.

  “Good girl. On your back.”

  She squirmed on the bed, thighs rubbing together and knowing if he plunged his fingers into her pussy he’d find it wet and ready for him. Somehow, she found the strength to roll onto her back.

  He knelt over her in a sixty-nine. “Feet.”

  She whimpered, knowing what was coming and both wanting and dreading it. She bent her legs at the knees and drew her feet up until he could hold on to them. His skilled, devious fingers searched her insoles, below her big toes, until he found exactly what he was looking for.

  Warm breath caressed her clit, and he pressed his lips against her flesh in a kiss. “Stay. You may come.”

  The agony hit her at the same time his tongue slowly swiped along her clit and pleasure jolted through her. The tricky sadist had taken great joy in seeking out these particular pressure points. He could cause her every bit of masochistic pain she craved without leaving a mark on her.

  Except…she enjoyed wearing his marks. She loved sitting in her chair at work the morning after a good beating and feeling what he did to her ass.

  The pleasure was amplified by the pain, too. If she moved her feet, he would also stop licking and sucking her clit. It was a special kind of torture, forcing herself to remain still as his lips played with her clit. The orgasm bubbled just below the surface, teasing, taunting her.

  He lowered his cock into her mouth and relief set in. Her body relaxed and she moaned around his cock—agony and ecstasy rolled into one sweet and jagged ball of need and surrender.

  Her body sank into the mattress as his weight pinned her down. Nothing in her mind except her confused nervous system at war, pain and pleasure vying for her attention at the same time and tangoing together through her body.

  The wave of orgasms felt more like one long, endless, rolling tumble down a hill. When it all got too much to take, she finally pulled her feet away.