Blues Beach Read online

  Tracey had parked next to Jeff’s truck in the driveway. They climbed in, and as they headed over to her storage unit, he let out a sigh.

  “Thanks for this. For bringing me along.”

  “You all right, sweetie?”

  “Just…feeling useless. I should have been with them in Iowa last weekend. My stupid body.”

  “Honey, you can’t help it. Any word on Stuart’s dad?” He’d suffered a heart attack immediately after the wedding, during a confrontation with Stuart’s oldest brother who was apparently a raging, bigoted jerk.

  “Stu talked to his mom last night. His dad’s already home. She’s about ready to kill him because the doctors won’t let him go back to work yet and he’s fighting her about it.”

  “That’s good, right?”

  “Yeah.” He stared out the passenger window, the early morning sunlight highlighting him from the side, emphasizing the lines on his face, no doubt caused by the emotional funk she knew he was going through.

  “What are you going to need help with for Christmas dinner? I’ll come over to help cook.”

  “I haven’t even made a shopping list yet.” He finally glanced her way. “Brandon’s family’s coming. Again.” He sounded less than thrilled.

  She smiled, understanding exactly why he felt that way about them. “I figured.”

  “Were they always like that?”

  “More or less. Don’t take it personally. They’re cold fish. When I look back, I feel sorry for Bran because he tried so hard to please them and never really could earn validation from them.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah.” A laugh escaped her. “Then again, I’m one to talk, because I basically had the same problem with my family, to a certain extent. I think that’s one of the reasons the two of us clicked so well so quickly. We had a common experience. At least we have your parents, and Grace’s. They’re awesome.”

  “I guess I am lucky. Before meeting Brandon’s folks, and hearing about Stu’s family, I never processed how lucky I was.”

  At the storage facility, he followed her inside the building and didn’t try to help her load stuff on the cart. It wasn’t like any of the storage tubs were heavy, either, although she did let him help her roll the cart out to the truck and lend a steadying hand so nothing fell off. She’d been thinking ahead when she left Pat and had placed all the Christmas stuff near the front of the storage unit, easy to get to.

  Hoping Emma would want to put it up and knowing Brandon didn’t have a lot of his own decorations. He’d been in a smaller apartment for several years before buying and renovating the house, and had kept things scaled down.

  Once they were at the house, she let Jeff get started unpacking and assembling the tree, figuring that wouldn’t be too physically taxing for him. By the time she had all the boxes and tubs inside, he already had all the branches sorted in piles by position and ready to fluff and install.

  It looked right sitting in the corner of their living room.

  Maybe more right than it ever had in her previous house since Brandon had left. They’d bought it their second-to-last Christmas together, and it was only because she couldn’t afford to replace the thing that she’d never bought another.

  That, and Emma had loved it.

  And it was one more reminder of Brandon.

  No matter how angry and hurt she’d been, deep in her heart, she could never fully release him.

  That was one more reason on the ever-growing list of them for her to know she needed to focus on herself and not even bother looking for another relationship.

  She’d worked too hard to rebuild her relationship with Emma. Losing sight of the fact that Brandon was the father of her daughter and not her enemy could never happen again.

  Ever.

  The next guy she dated—if she ever decided to date—would have to meet a very strict checklist before she’d lower her defenses enough to see if they might have a chance. Part of that would be accepting Emma and Grace and their relationship, as well as Brandon, Jeff, and Stuart being a part of her life.

  Then everyone would have to sign off on the guy, especially Emma.

  Nothing less would suffice.

  By the time the girls returned home from school, Tracey and Jeff had the tree up and were already testing strands of lights. Tracey had also brought out the tubs of ornaments Brandon kept stored in the garage to add to the conglomeration.

  If they were mixed, that was fine with her. They belonged here, in a house full of love. They were a family—once again—although changed. Maybe even better for the honesty now flowing between them all.

  Something she never could have admitted before was how much she’d missed being friends with Brandon. Her own anger—and then Pat’s insecurities—wouldn’t allow her to drop that wall once she’d hastily and shabbily erected it.

  By destroying that wall, she’d regained her friendship with Brandon, as well as Jeff and Stuart.

  Working together, Tracey and the girls had the tree and the house fully decorated by the time Brandon and Stuart returned home from work. While the girls went to start dinner, Brandon had walked over to Tracey and slipped an arm around her shoulders, dropping a kiss on the top of her head.

  “Thanks for this, sweetie. It’s great, really.”

  “Yeah, well, we kind of plotted while you guys were gone.”

  When Jeff and Stuart joined the girls in the kitchen to help with dinner, Brandon dropped his voice, a smile curling his handsome lips. “How do you feel about being complicit in another surprise?”

  “For Jeff and Stuart?”

  “Just Jeff. Stu’s in on it.” He quickly and quietly outlined the plan, and she made herself a note on her phone to put in for the day off. The Tuesday before Christmas, Tracey would get Jeff and the girls—who already knew about the surprise—and take them all out Christmas shopping while Brandon and Stuart got the hot tub he’d already purchased installed. Hopefully, it would help Jeff’s pain levels.

  “I’m in.”

  “That’s my girl. Oh, he didn’t work hard today, did he?”

  “You’ll be happy to hear he didn’t fight me ordering him not to help.”

  “Excellent.”

  * * * *

  “Why do I get the feeling there’s a super-secret plan I’m not privy to?” Jeff asked when Tracey arrived on the Tuesday before Christmas to pick up him and the girls.

  Brandon and Stuart, as planned, weren’t home. As far as Jeff knew, today was a normal work day for the two men, who’d be waiting, along with the crew helping install and hook up the hot tub, at a shopping center parking lot not far from the house.

  In the back seat, Emma would text Brandon once it was safe for them to go home and start the install.

  Tracey feigned innocence. “A super-secret Christmas shopping plan?”

  Jeff smirked, and it was good to see him do it. His pain levels had started dropping—finally—with the forced regimen of taking things easy around the house.

  “Okay. I’ll play along.”

  She patted his thigh. “Good.”

  At least she could walk slow and not feel guilty about it, because she knew they had to take things easy for Jeff’s sake. They shopped, had lunch, and shopped some more. Tracey was running out of stores to browse when Emma tapped her shoulder while Jeff wasn’t looking and gave her a thumbs-up.

  That meant Brandon and Stuart were ready for them to return.

  Tracey used them leaving a store as a natural exit point. “Let’s get you back home.”

  “Yeah, I think I’ve had enough shopping for today.”

  Behind him, Emma and Grace wore broad, beaming grins, and it took everything Tracey had not to smile in return.

  She didn’t want to be the one to spoil the surprise.

  On the way to the men’s house, they stopped by Publix and picked up a hot deli chicken dinner for them so no one would need to cook. As soon as they pulled into the driveway and Jeff spotted Stuart and Brandon’s vehic
les parked there when the men should still be at work, he arched an eyebrow at her. She offered him a smile and a shrug.

  Inside the house, Tracey stood back as Brandon and Stuart covered Jeff’s eyes and led him out onto the back lanai to show him the hot tub. The smile on Brandon’s face twisted her heart in a way that she wondered if she’d ever get over.

  She’d never been able to make him truly happy. Looking back, even in the early days, the best times, she could see that if she was honest with herself.

  Only Emma’s birth had made him truly happy.

  Brandon was happy, now, with Jeff and Stuart, and that made her happy.

  A year ago, she would have denied these kinds of emotions were possible, and only looking back could she see it was due to her being swaddled in her own anger and pain and envy.

  Now…

  I’ve got to work on me.

  She didn’t go straight home. She drove over to the beach and parked, pulling on a jacket against the chilly breeze blowing in off the cool Gulf waters. Sitting there on the sand, above the high-water line, she watched as the sun slowly slipped below the horizon and the skies turned purply black.

  Kind of like her current mood.

  I never grieved.

  She’d spent too little time between her divorce from Brandon and marrying Pat looking at the truth about life.

  Not wanting to admit maybe she needed to grow up.

  Too ready to spit mean comments at Brandon whenever the opportunity arose, aiming her pain squarely at him.

  He’d taken it mostly without complaint, far stronger than her and feeling his own guilt about the situation. Now, it left her feeling ashamed at how immature she’d acted.

  It wasn’t like he’d cheated on her, either.

  I haven’t set a good example for Em.

  How Em had managed to find someone as great as Grace boggled Tracey’s mind. At least they had Grace’s parents as a role model for long-term relationships.

  Her blues might have originally started with losing Eric, and then Brandon, but now she had no excuse.

  Alone on the beach, she stared out at the water, listened to the waves licking the sand, the breeze brushing over her body. Plenty of times she’d driven out here, free contemplation, a little perspective.

  Blues Beach. Like when growing up in Laguna Beach, she’d frequently found herself perched on the sand at sunset, mulling over her life as she stared at the Pacific.

  Later, sometimes making love with Eric, or lying there and talking with him.

  When she’d lost him, she’d felt like she’d lost part of herself.

  Maybe Brandon isn’t the only one to blame for our marriage failing.

  She’d never fully processed her grief over losing Eric. Maybe she’d been too willing to overlook things, thrown herself completely into her love for Brandon so she didn’t have to look at the unhealed wounds in her own soul. It had placed a lot of burden on Brandon that hadn’t been his to shoulder.

  But he had, because he’d loved her.

  Still loved her.

  Back then, he’d felt responsible for her when she shouldn’t have let him carry that. It should have been her own burden to bear.

  How many secrets and soul aches had she explored and digested while sitting on the sand, both here and in California?

  When did she finally reach a point where she felt like she had her shit together and didn’t feel like a fuck-up of a teenager anymore?

  As full dark settled, she stood, brushed the sand off her jeans, and trudged back to her car, her blues still swirling around her like a cloudy haze.

  Chapter Five

  And here we go.

  Tracey parked behind Emma’s car, relieved to see Brandon’s family wasn’t there yet. It was a little after nine, and Emma had texted her nearly an hour ago that they were awake and ready any time she wanted to come over. Today dinner would be at four instead of an earlier lunch. That meant they didn’t need as early a start.

  And it meant that Brandon’s family wouldn’t stay as long.

  She let herself in, calling out as she closed the door behind her. “Merry Christmas!”

  Jeff and Brandon looked half asleep where they lay sprawled on the couch. Stuart and Emma sat on the floor in front of the TV, playing a video game. There were still plenty of presents sitting under the tree that hadn’t been unwrapped yet.

  In fact, it looked like most of them hadn’t been unwrapped yet.

  Brandon sleepily smiled and hoisted his coffee mug in a salute. “Merry Christmas.”

  “Did I miss anything?”

  “We didn’t get past Stu’s first present.”

  Tracey had left her presents for them under the tree a few days earlier, Emma helping her wrap Stuart, Brandon, and Grace’s. Emma and Stuart were currently playing a first-person shooter game.

  She leaned in to kiss Emma and Stu on the tops of their heads as she passed, then crossed behind the sofa on her way to the kitchen, patting Jeff and Brandon on the shoulders. Brandon caught her hand and wouldn’t let her get away until she’d also planted a kiss on his cheek.

  “Thanks for the idea,” he whispered. “He loves it. You should have seen his face. Jeff took video.”

  She smiled. “Men are kids no matter what their age,” she whispered back. “Besides, when you told me about his family, I figured he’d probably never had anything like that growing up.”

  She poured herself a cup of coffee and joined Jeff and Brandon on the couch, the men making way so she could sit between them. This holiday already felt…low-stress. Just like Thanksgiving had felt, the presence of Brandon’s family notwithstanding.

  The past several years, holidays with Pat had always been stressful. Because of him, because of his parents, and because of Pat’s son, Corey. Looking back, she couldn’t remember a single major holiday in the past five years, at least, where she and Pat hadn’t had a major fight.

  Why the hell did I stay with that jerk for so long?

  Oh, yeah. Because I didn’t think I could make it on my own.

  When it came time for presents, she had a couple of small ones from Emma, but then Brandon smiled as he fished a box from behind the tree and carried it over, placing it in her lap.

  “What is this?”

  He shrugged, smiling. “Santa brought it. Open it.”

  Her heart throbbed in her chest as she ripped off the paper and realized it was a laptop.

  “Brandon, this is—”

  “Something you’re going to need when they accept you into that program at work, and you start taking college classes. It’s from all of us.” He arched an eyebrow at her, and it took every instinct in her body not to reply with a, “Yes, Sir.”

  “Thank you,” she choked out, hugging him, then Stuart and Emma, and gently hugging Jeff so she didn’t hurt him. “Thank you guys so much.” Her laptop was five years old and barely hanging on. No way she could have replaced it yet, either. Not on her pay.

  “Don’t freak out, Mom,” Emma teased. “It wasn’t super expensive. It’s like the one he got me last year before school started.”

  She was almost afraid to open the box. “I feel bad I didn’t get you guys more.”

  “No,” Jeff said, reaching over to open the box for her. “That’s not what this is about. We’re family, and we’re all rooting for you to succeed.”

  Tracey gave up trying to hide her tears. “I didn’t deserve a second chance with you all, and you gave me one.”

  Emma sat on her other side. “Like Jeff said—we’re family.”

  Brandon had draped an arm around Stu’s shoulders, smiling. “As crazy of one as we are.”

  Tracey finally laughed. “I’ll take this crazy any day over what I escaped.”

  * * * *

  Happy New Year’s to me.

  Tracey sat on Ruth’s couch and watched the midnight festivities in Times Square on TV. She had a glass of ginger ale and her laptop and was cruising Facebook since she’d finished studying for the ni
ght. She’d received word four days ago she’d been accepted to the program. The regional manager had set her up with online access she needed to the corporate training materials. Now, every spare moment she had was spent working through those and studying. The registration information for the college classes would be arriving soon, and most if not all of them she’d be able to take online.

  Fine with her. It’d be easier to fit into her life that way.

  Not that she had much of a life, besides work and Emma. But now that she’d been accepted—something she was still trying to wrap her head around—she wanted to blast through everything as quickly as possible, before someone changed their mind or realized they’d made a mistake and sent an acceptance to the wrong person.

  On TV, all the cheering, happy, and likely very drunk people were whooping it up.

  She sipped her ginger ale. The good stuff. She’d splurged a little for it since she’d had a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup for dinner.

  Look at me, the party animal.

  Emma and Grace were spending the night with Grace’s parents. Brandon, Jeff, and Stuart were doing whatever it was they were doing. Ruth had gone out with friends, because she had tomorrow off. Ruth had invited her to come along with her, but going out tonight would have been stupid, because she was slated to open in the morning, meaning no sleeping in.

  Aaannnd here’s me. Doing the responsible adulting thing.

  Except…she didn’t resent it. She’d felt a lot of resentment over recent years.

  A lot.

  On the surface, much of it directed at Brandon when the truth was far more complicated than that. The majority of her adult problems had, when she looked at it honestly, been caused by Pat and her inability to stand up to him.

  And this is why I’m here, responsibly adulting, and not out partying.

  She’d spent too much time over the past several years shirking her duties as a responsible adult. Now it was time for her to put on her big-girl panties and change the future herself.

  * * * *

  It was the third week of January, and Tracey had signed up for her first round of college classes. All online. She’d had to work today, but she was eager to get home and get started.