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  Damn, she’d missed this.

  Raw, powerful, he was growling once more as he sucked on her tongue and fucked her cunt, pounding into her and reclaiming her yet again. When he came this time she swallowed his hoarse cry and devoured every bit of it.

  He fell still, still holding her there, their foreheads pressed together and the shower steaming around them.

  “I love you, baby. I love you so fucking much. I can’t lose you. I couldn’t survive it.”

  She played with his hair. “I love you, too, Sir. I promise I’m not giving up.”

  * * * *

  Kel finally let her stand and they took their shower, washing each other, kissing, a tenderness returned between them that he’d never been able to give thought to in this way before. It’d been lost among everything else, the fear, the struggle.

  Simple moments like this.

  When they got out he dried her first with a towel, kissing her, worshipping her body, his sweet, beautiful goddess.

  After checking the time to make sure they were okay, they got dressed and she sent a quick text, he assumed to Doyle, Niall, and Doug. Then he followed her to the kitchen, where together they made breakfast, Kel letting her tell him what she needed and giving him tasks to do.

  He watched her, his gaze never leaving her.

  This was more than he could have ever prayed for, and he could only hope his hopes weren’t about to be crushed again.

  She ate, that easy feel once again surrounding their meal in a way it hadn’t in over a year.

  He wanted to ask if he could drive her to her appointment, but he resisted the urge to do that. Once they had the kitchen cleaned up, he pulled her in for another kiss.

  “What do you need from me, right now?” he opted for.

  She smiled up at him. “Thank you.”

  “For what?”

  “For not launching into a bunch of other questions or assumptions. This is exactly what I need from you right now—following my lead.” She played with the collar of his shirt. “I’ll drive myself to my appointment. Doug scheduled it ahead of his lunch hour. Niall’s going to bring us lunch and join us, and we’ll probably call Doyle.”

  He slowly nodded and desperately reined in his flash of anger.

  The men were not just his friends, but miracle workers.

  “Then what?” He made himself say it. “If you’d rather be alone tonight, I understand.”

  “I have class with June. I need to get into that again. I really do love yoga with her. And I’m looking forward to learning pole-dancing.”

  “I have a…request.”

  “Yes, Sir?”

  He also ignored that pang—he wouldn’t pester her about her collar. “I’m the only one who gets a private show for that.”

  She giggled! The sweet sound shocked him so much he nearly missed what she said next.

  “I promise, you’re the only one who would get a private show for that, Sir. And to answer your question, I don’t know. Let me see how I feel later. I’ll call you to talk, at least.”

  “Okay.”

  She didn’t rush him out the door, but he didn’t bug her or try to delay her as she got ready for her appointment and packed clothes, her yoga mat, and a towel for her class after. At one point he stopped in the hall, outside the nursery door, and stared inside the room.

  Shit. Mal wasn’t on the pill yet.

  Then again, he knew her periods hadn’t returned yet, either, so maybe it’d be okay. As much as he mourned their baby, he wasn’t sure he ever wanted to try again. They still hadn’t for-sure survived this. Did he really want to risk Mal’s health or his own sanity again?

  He didn’t know.

  She kissed him good-bye and left for her appointment. Once she’d left, he heavily sat on the couch and stared at the urn.

  That day would be forever burned in his memory, the pain, the tears, the feel of her in his arms all bundled up but looking asleep. Not moving, even though only hours earlier he’d been lying in bed with Mal, his hands cradling her belly and his cheek pressed against her as he sang to their daughter and felt her kicking and moving around.

  And then…she wasn’t.

  Part of him lay in that urn, part of his heart and soul and dreams.

  If he lost what was left of him…

  He grabbed one of the throw pillows and held it clutched in his arms as his sobs echoed off the living room walls.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Doug seemed to pull up short when he spotted Mal in the lobby, a funny little smile appearing on his face as she walked over to him.

  “What?” she asked.

  “I was going to ask you that.” They headed for the elevator. “How’d your talk with Kel go this morning?”

  “Productive.”

  “Oh?”

  “Once we’re in your office, Sir.”

  And once they were, she went through the morning, detailing their talk but abbreviating the more intimate portions.

  “I’ve noticed you’re starting to refer to him as Sir again,” he noted. “That’s not something you’ve been doing a lot.”

  She thought about it. “I didn’t ask him for my collar back yet.”

  “Do you want to?”

  Another moment. “Not yet. I think I still have a ways to go. It’s too soon. It’s only been two weeks. When I broke this to him, I told him four weeks.”

  “You did, but you can change your mind.”

  Her resolve faltered. “Do you think I need to?”

  “That’s not what I said. I was reminding you that none of this is set in stone. We don’t set your timetables in that way—we’re your guardrails. It’s what you want to do.”

  Part of her wanted to beg Kel to come back over that night, to stay the whole night.

  Now that the fast had broken, she wanted to feel his warm flesh against hers in their bed.

  Except…

  This was too critical to rush through it. Life was short, yes, but she literally couldn’t repeat this cycle. Her body wouldn’t be able to handle it.

  “I think I want to maintain what we’re doing for now and wait until the four weeks are up, like I originally said.” She picked at her fingernails. “Even after I ask him to come back, I think I want to keep up the rituals with you guys, if that’s okay?”

  “It’s okay. The long-term plan, though, is to wean you off needing to report to us on a daily basis. You know that.”

  “Yes, Sir. I know. But I don’t want to rush this.”

  “You’ll still be seeing us for sessions,” he said. “And I thought one of your goals was to repair your relationship with Kel to a point where you could turn that kind of oversight back to him?”

  “It is, Sir. I know we’re not there yet, though.”

  “He hasn’t scheduled an appointment with me yet.”

  “Well, to be fair, we were…busy this morning.” She smiled.

  He returned it, but it faded. “We won’t give him a pass on this. But just like he can’t control your recovery, you can’t control his, either. He’s going to have to make an appointment with us and—” His cell phone chirped on his desk, distracting him. “Hold on—that’s our group chat with him.” He retrieved it, pausing, smiling. “You can forget what I just said.”

  “Why?”

  He indicated his phone. “Kel just asked when we can fit him in for an appointment.”

  Her vision blurred as the tears hit. She didn’t even need to look to see where the box of tissues was—she reached for it and dabbed at her eyes while Doug quickly consulted his schedule and set up the appointment.

  Once he was back in his seat, he offered her a smile. “That’s a good sign.”

  “I hope so.”

  “You still have to work on your recovery, independent of his.”

  “Yes, Sir.” She cradled her bare right wrist. “I will.” Where she was now was temporary.

  It was starting to get easier to believe that, to see there was a future for her.


  Hopefully a future with Kel.

  * * * *

  After her appointment, she headed to June’s studio. She was looking forward to this for a lot of reasons, including getting to see her friend.

  When she arrived, she texted the group thread that she would be there for several hours before she headed inside.

  June and May weren’t teaching at that moment, and they both hugged her when she walked into the lobby. “You made it,” June said. “I was hoping you would.”

  “I’m looking forward to this.” After Mal changed, June took her over to the new studio space to show her the poles.

  “I hope you don’t mind we won’t be alone for that class,” June said. “We’ll have Fen, Mads, and Ben, Jake’s hubby.”

  Mal was pretty sure she’d met all of them through the club or the munches. “Okay.”

  “Fen is amazing,” June said. “A natural, but he’s very bendy to start with and advanced with yoga. Mads had to take time off from lessons to recover from an emergency appendectomy. Ben’s only been at it a few weeks, but Jake’s a sadist and making him stick with it.”

  “Ben doesn’t like doing it?”

  June laughed. “He will once his muscles start cooperating. He’s still in the I don’t bend like that yet phase of learning.”

  “Ah.”

  They settled in the smallest yoga studio, which would normally hold about twelve students total, except Mal was the only one for this session. June started with warm-up exercises. Within five minutes, she was laughing.

  “Okay, you’ve been keeping up with it, haven’t you?”

  “Yeah. It was something I could do alone in my room that was gentle on me. I hated not having time to myself. I felt like I was always under surveillance. If Kel was there, then he was—” Mal caught herself. “Sorry.” She took a deep breath and let it out. “I need to work on staying grounded in the moment and focused on it.”

  “Well, let’s see what you’ve got, sweetie.” June worked with her, taking her into advanced moves and correcting her positions as they went. The basics Mal had easily remembered while in Tampa, but some of these more advanced poses she’d skipped doing. By the time Mads arrived first, Mal was ready for a break and ate a power bar she’d brought with her as her snack.

  When she finally headed home two hours later, her stomach was actually grumbling despite the rest of her body feeling tired and achy in really good ways.

  She’d had fun with the pole-dancing class. While she definitely wasn’t as good as Fen or Mads, Mal had inwardly snickered a little that Ben playfully grumbled that even she was better than him for her very first lesson.

  Mal had bruises on her arms and legs from the pole, her first case of pole burn from slipping…

  And she had spent the past couple of hours blissfully free of dark mental mumblings from deep within her brain.

  As soon as she arrived home she texted the group chat that she was working on eating. She was a little late now, but they assured her she was fine because she’d already warned them about the class.

  Then she put the phone in speaker mode and called Kel while she prepped her dinner.

  * * * *

  Kel snatched the phone off his desk. “Hey, sweetheart.”

  “Hi, Sir. Sorry, I just got home, I need to eat.”

  Relief and mild disappointment swirled through him. “That’s okay, sweetie. Did you have fun?”

  “Oh, my god! I had the best time ever! It was so cool…”

  He settled back in his chair, eyes closed, and pictured her as she told him about her afternoon.

  For the first time in a long time, she sounded genuinely excited and enthusiastic in a way that warmed his heart and gave rise to more hope.

  This was definitely his Mal.

  He also sensed he wouldn’t be asked to come home tonight despite their breakthrough that morning.

  In a way, maybe that was for the best. He was still processing everything.

  Doug was going to stay late tomorrow to talk with him, and Niall would hopefully join them.

  Tonight, he knew he needed to finish reading one of the books they’d assigned to him. He was ashamed to see himself in the pages, proving the men had been right—yet again—about how he’d neglected himself and his own needs and recovery in his attempt to focus on Mal in an unhealthy way.

  Once she paused, he knew even before she said it what she was going to say. “I think I need tonight alone to process today,” she said.

  “It’s okay, sweetheart. I’m good with that. The guys gave me homework of my own I need to work on. I’m really glad we had this morning, though.”

  She paused again. “You’re not going to break me, Sir,” she said. “Not if you let go and trust me.”

  “Can you be patient with me while I work my way through this?”

  “I love you, Sir. Just follow me. I’ve already cut a path through the jungle. I’ll be waiting for you there when you catch up.”

  He smiled. “My brave girl.”

  He could almost read her face in the pauses, knew she was likely biting her lower lip. “I still want to hold to the four weeks.”

  The disappointment wasn’t unexpected, but he reined it in and tamped it down. “I know. It’s okay, sweetheart. That’s only two more weeks. And if you need more time after that, I’ll give it to you. Whatever you need.”

  In some ways, she was so familiar. But new Mal appeared, sounding determined. “I need to know you’re working on yourself and not just focused on me. Before the next step happens. It won’t be overnight, and we’re not perfect. There will be bumps and potholes. But the only way this keeps working is if I am the one in control of my recovery.”

  He swallowed hard. “Letting go of control is hard for me, baby. You know that. I’m trying.”

  “I know you are, and I love you so much for it. Because I know you are trying.”

  * * * *

  Over the next week and a half, Mal threw herself into the daily pole-dancing lessons and yoga, carefully watching her calorie intake to make sure she kept herself on track and didn’t lose any weight. One good thing she knew was that muscle weighed more than fat, so she’d be gaining weight regardless, as long as she kept her calorie intake up and didn’t do something to sabotage herself. She even added extra shakes to her daily regimen to help.

  She also loved feeling the pain from aching muscles every morning. This time around, she’d felt no compulsion to cut and every determination to work hard to rebuild her body.

  Kel was coming over almost every day now, sometimes for breakfast, sometimes for dinner. They’d made love four more times, but he hadn’t asked to spend the night and hadn’t put her in the awkward position of having to ask him to leave. He’d set an alarm to wake him up in case he fell asleep, but hadn’t needed it yet.

  It left her feeling guilty, which she didn’t give in to.

  As much as she wanted Kel to move back home…she knew that wasn’t a good idea yet. They were both still so fragile right now. Doug reported that Kel was coming to see him, or at least having phone sessions with him or Niall, on a regular basis now, but that wasn’t good enough.

  Not yet.

  She knew if she let him come home too soon, before she felt certain she was strong enough to stand up to him in the ways she needed to despite his actions coming from a place of love, it would set her up for another failure.

  What needed to happen was assurances from her fairy godfathers that Kel actually understood and recognized he couldn’t smother her with love.

  That he had to follow her until she was ready for him to walk beside her and help her when she reached for his steady hand, instead of trying to carry her despite her protests to the contrary.

  Except…

  Despite their breakthrough, she’d be the first one to admit they were a long way from a “healthy” point.

  But she missed him.

  Missed him like hell.

  She was sitting outside June’s studio and compos
ing a group text when a thought hit her. After sending her status to them, that she was about to start class, she added a text.

  Do you think I could ask Kel to move back in to stay in the spare room? Part of me wants to, and part of me says it’s too soon.

  She kept her phone in her hand during her walk to the front door, because, sure enough, she had a response. From Doyle.

  Of course you can. Keep in mind there’s nothing that says you can’t spend nights with him at the apartment as a trial run, is there? Then you control when you stay and leave. And isn’t that where you two first lived together? Good memories there? Maybe think about that.

  She stared at the text, a giggle erupting from her.

  It was perfect.

  Thank you, Sir.

  He responded with a winking smile emoji.

  She knew Kel was on his way back to the apartment from a shoot at a marina in Ft. Myers. So after class she stopped by home to grab a few things and her keys for the apartment and then headed there.

  By the time Kel arrived and she heard him open the office door, she nearly had their dinner ready. “Sweetheart?” he called out. “Are you in here?”

  “Up here.”

  He appeared at the bottom of the stairwell. “What are you doing here?”

  “Dinner. And maybe you, if you’re lucky.” She grinned.

  No shit, he took the stairs two at a time, making her giggle as he swept her into his arms and nibbled on her neck. “I wasn’t expecting to see you he—” He lifted his head and sniffed. “You cooked me dinner here?”

  “Nothing fancy. Just a casserole.” She draped her arms around his neck. “I think for tonight I want to stay here with you.”

  He stared into her eyes for a long moment and she knew it’d been the right call. “Really?”

  “Baby steps,” she said. “Let’s see how we do tonight and go from there.”