Reconsider Me Read online

  Joel watched Fen’s throat work as he swallowed. “My lease is up in two months.”

  “Mine’s up in three. That gives us enough time to make sure. Right?”

  Fen’s fingers traced the shape of Joel’s fingers, where he was still caressing Fen’s cheek. “Right.” He pressed his hand against Joel’s, lacing fingers with him. “You sure you can live without that one thing?”

  “I’d be a pretty shitty person if I couldn’t, sugar. I didn’t fall in love with your asshole—I fell in love with you.”

  Fen kept Joel’s hand pressed against his cheek and he nuzzled it. “I’m not going to turn butch, you know.”

  “Thank gawd.” Joel grinned. “We’d kill each other.”

  “I mean, I’m always going to suck at doing stuff like fixing things. I can’t. Which is stupid, I know, because I’m an engineer and can program a CNC machine and make shit for NASA contractors. But you ask me to hang a picture, and it won’t stay on the damn wall.”

  “I’m good with that. That’s my job. I’ll take care of you.”

  He noticed Fen’s eyes suddenly looked too bright and he blinked a couple of times. “Do you promise? To take care of me?”

  “I mean, I don’t want you to quit your job, because we’ll need the income. And we need to split chores fairly, but of course I’m gonna take care of—”

  Fen kissed him, hard. “No guy’s ever promised to take care of me before. Not and really meant it.”

  “Baby, I mean it. For life. I spent too many years lookin’ for you. Not about to let you go now that I’ve found you.”

  * * * *

  Fen didn’t want to leave the tub. He wanted to stay there with Joel, snuggled in his guy’s arms, blissfully peaceful and still basking in his post-orgasmic haze.

  Not to mention there was still more than a little subspace mixed into all of that. He could still see some ligature marks on his arms from the ropes, temporary brands from his Sir that would disappear all too soon, unfortunately.

  He knew this wasn’t exactly a marriage proposal, but he was quickly shedding any and all doubts about Joel.

  Hell, even Snoobug loved him, and she hated anyone she didn’t know very well,

  That should tell him something.

  But Joel coaxed him out of the tub after they quickly rinsed off under the showerhead. Fen wondered if there was going to be more kinky fun in their evening, but when Joel wanted to snuggle in bed and watch Hitchcock movies on TV, Fen realized he didn’t feel like moving.

  This was…perfect.

  Joel was perfect.

  He loved cuddling against him, their difference in size, how he felt…safe.

  Yes, he’d had a moment of fear earlier, but his trust in Joel had been validated, not shattered.

  He didn’t feel like there were any expectations on him, except to be honest and to trust Joel.

  As if reading his mind, Joel nuzzled Fen’s forehead and pressed a tender kiss there. “Sorry I scared you earlier, sugar.”

  “That was me, not you.”

  “I don’t want you to ever be scared of me.”

  “But I like it when you keep me off-balance in a scene.”

  He sighed. “I mean, of me. Worryin’ what I’ll do in a scene is different. Sometimes I want you nervous then.”

  Joel started to say something else, but then the sound of his cell phone ringing distracted him. “Dang, meant to put that on the charger. Hold up. I’ll be right back.” It stopped ringing about the time it would go to voice mail. But before Joel could even get out of the bedroom, it started ringing again.

  “Just a minute,” he groused as he headed out.

  Fen cocked his head so he could stare at the man’s delicious ass.

  Cheeks so tight, you could bounce a rock off them while getting your rocks off over them.

  Fen heard him answer it out in the kitchen, then the sound of him walking back toward the bedroom. “Hello…Mom? Wait…hold on, I can’t understand you. Mom? What’s going on?”

  He reappeared in the bedroom doorway, confusion on his face.

  Fen sat up, watching him.

  “Mo—Mom. I can’t—hey, Jack. What’s going on?”

  A feeling of dread enveloped Fen. He pulled the pillow into his lap, hugging it against him as he watched the color drain from Joel’s face. When he slumped against the doorframe, Fen jumped out of bed and ran over to him, arms around him and half-dragging, half-pulling Joel back to the bed.

  “No,” Joel whispered as he collapsed onto the edge of the bed. “Oh, no.” He closed his eyes, tears now streaming down his face.

  Fen couldn’t make out the man’s words on the other end of the line, but could hear the tone. Heavy, grave.

  “Yeah,” Joel hoarsely said. “I’ll leave tonight and drive up, be there in the morning. … Yeah. Love you, too. Hug Mom and Celia for me, please? … Yeah, I’ll see you tomorrow.” He hit end and stared at his phone, stunned shock on his face.

  Fen took the phone from him and set it aside before wrapping his arms around him. He didn’t have to ask, he could easily guess. If it wasn’t something about Joel’s father, it had to be someone close in the family.

  Joel leaned over, his face in Fen’s lap, his arms around Fen’s waist, and sobbed. Fen did his best to wrap himself around his guy, knowing there wouldn’t be any comfort he could give to take this pain away. All he could do was be there for him, do whatever he could for him.

  Love him.

  It took Joel at least twenty minutes to pull himself together enough to speak. “Dad.”

  It was all he said.

  It was enough. Fen pressed his lips against Joel’s back. “You can’t drive like this, Sir. We’ll take my car.”

  He stroked Joel’s hair and thought maybe Joel would argue with him, except…he didn’t.

  Joel nodded.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Fen took care of cleaning up from dinner so they didn’t have a science project growing in Joel’s living room by the time they returned, and got the dishwasher running. It took Fen the better part of an hour to get Joel put together enough he was on his feet and moving, and Fen got Joel started digging out clothes for himself for the trip.

  Fen pulled on his clothes and his glasses and went to check on Joel. He stood there in the bedroom, clothes strewn across the bed, a lost look on his face.

  After grabbing something for Joel to wear on the road, Fen handed the clothes to him and gently pushed him toward the bedroom door. “Let me take care of this for you, Sir. Go get dressed and brush your teeth. Then grab the stuff you need from the bathroom. We’ll stop by my place on the way so I can pack.”

  Joel nodded.

  Once Joel was out of the room, Fen put back most of what Joel had picked. The one suit the man owned would have to do, but he didn’t see a garment bag for it. It hung inside the plastic bag from the cleaners and looked like it hadn’t been worn in years. A quick look at the size showed it’d probably still fit Joel, so Fen hung it from one of the dresser drawer handles so he wouldn’t forget it. He didn’t know how long they’d be gone, but he grabbed him a couple of pairs of shorts and jeans, in addition to two pairs of khaki slacks for him, and picked one of three ties hanging from a hanger in the closet. The white dress shirt that went with the suit was in the plastic bag with the blazer and slacks.

  Shoes…belt…dress socks.

  He stared at the accumulated pile and neatly tucked it into the suitcase.

  I can buy him something there, if I forgot it.

  Once he had that packed and setting out in the living room by the door, next to his own bag, he got Joel’s carryon packed with things like phone chargers and his tablet and laptop, other things he suspected he might need. After surveying the condo, Fen was able to focus on Joel, who stepped out of the bathroom.

  He wore a haunted look.

  “You ready to go, Sir?”

  Joel stopped at the bedroom door and looked inside. “Where’s my stuff?”

 
; “Ready to go, Sir. All packed.” He caught him by the arm and led him to the door, taking Joel’s keys from him. “You’re not driving. Wait for me.”

  Fen made one final sweep through the place, turning off the bedroom TV and double-checking the coffee pot was off. Then he shouldered the bags after handing the suit to him. “Go on, Sir. I’ll lock up. Get the elevator for us.”

  Joel nodded and slowly headed down the hall.

  As he locked the door behind them, Fen didn’t stop to ponder the fact that he’d taken charge. It had to happen for now, because Joel was barely vertical. In this relationship, yeah, he wanted Joel to take care of him.

  But that meant he had to step up and take care of his Sir in return when his Sir needed him.

  Back at Fen’s apartment, he left Joel sitting in the car with it running while he grabbed his backpack and Joel’s suit and dashed inside. He picked a suit for himself, packed both his and Joel’s in his garment bag, and packed for a couple of days, hoping he guessed right. Before he locked up, he called his mom.

  “Everything okay, honey? It’s kind of late.”

  “No. I was at Joel’s. He got a call a little bit ago that his dad died. I’m driving him to Mobile. We’re about to leave my place now.”

  “Mobile? Alabama?”

  “Yes, Alabama. That’s where he’s from.” When she didn’t reply at first, he knew there was a problem. “What, Mom? Just say it.”

  “Are you sure that’s…the right thing to do?”

  “Mom. He is my boyfriend, and his father just fricking died. I know we haven’t known each other for very long, but the guy can barely function right now. I’m going to do the driving. He’s in no condition to drive.”

  She sighed. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I just…worry about you. About your safety.”

  “I’ll be with Joel. We’ll be fine.”

  “I thought he said his family disowned him.”

  “Most of them did. I don’t have the specifics.”

  “Do you want me to have your father take time off and go with you?”

  “Huh? No, Mom. Why?”

  “What about that ex of his—”

  Now he got it. “Mom. This is not the time to play the worried card. We don’t need to bring our own cop to a family funeral. I’m sorry, but I need to get moving. It’s going to be a long night. I want to get on the road.”

  “Make sure you text me how you’re doing.”

  “I promise. Love you.”

  “Love you, too, sweetie. Tell Joel we’re sorry.”

  “I will.” He made one final sweep of his place and headed out again, adding his luggage and his laptop case to the pile in the backseat. At least he could work on some stuff while away.

  “Don’t forget to notify your guys,” Fen said.

  Joel sighed. “Yeah.” He texted someone, who texted him back a few minutes later.

  Fen added calling Jake to his to-do list for tomorrow. He highly doubted he’d be back by Monday.

  They were north of Tampa when Joel finally spoke again. “Thank you.”

  “It’s okay, Sir. This is what people who love each other do. They take care of each other.”

  He laughed, but it sounded sad. “I just literally promised to take care of you, and I’m not doing a very damn good job of it.”

  Fen reached over and patted him on the thigh. “Stop, please. But do you mind telling me where we’re going, exactly?”

  A ragged laugh escaped him. “Yeah, I guess that would be helpful. 75 to 10, then west. Get off at the Highway 59 exit. I think it’s exit 44. There’s a hotel at the exit we can probably get a room at. If you hit Mobile Bay, you went too far.”

  Fen forced a smile. “You mean literally hit the bay, or crossing it?”

  Joel’s hand settled over Fen’s and squeezed, hard. His voice sounded choked, raspy. “Thank you.”

  * * * *

  Joel tried to sort out his thoughts and failed miserably. The last time he’d seen or talked to his father had been right before leaving Mobile for good.

  Hadn’t left on good terms with the man, either.

  It was still difficult to process his brother’s words.

  Massive heart attack.

  Their mom found him facedown in the backyard when she returned home from grocery shopping that evening. He’d been working on a tractor and collapsed.

  When Joel last spoke to his father, he’d always—always—thought one day he could hug him again and tell him he loved him.

  Joel’s mother hadn’t stood up for Joel when his father exploded, because she was married to the guy. He couldn’t totally blame her, considering the bullshit she’d had to go through, thanks to Johnny. But Joel could tell that cutting him out of her life wasn’t her preference. The fact that she still sent him Christmas and birthday cards, cards at every holiday, and called him every couple of weeks, had proven that.

  By silent agreement, they didn’t talk about his father or Joel’s personal life during their calls.

  His brother and sister, Jackson and Celia, were both younger, and he was friends with them on Facebook. But since they also lived locally near Mobile, and had contact with their father, they kept their communications with Joel on the down-low to protect their sanity and not antagonize their dad.

  Joel didn’t blame them, either.

  To the rest of his family, and long-time family friends, he might as well have been dead to them. Johnny had done a number on Joel’s life, dropped it into a wood-chipper, and spread it all over the damn place after soaking it with napalm and setting fire to it.

  He hadn’t kept up with that psycho’s location at all. He’d blocked him on Facebook at the time, and set everything he did to friends-only, his privacy settings locked down tight.

  The friends he had on Facebook, other than his siblings and a couple of cousins who hadn’t cared he was gay, were mostly people from Sarasota. He knew them all in person, plus his friends list was set to be visible to him only.

  It wasn’t the way he’d wanted it, but Johnny had skillfully burned all of Joel’s bridges for him, leaving him nothing but ashes in the wake of the events.

  As they drove north through the night, Joel forced himself to speak occasionally, partly to help keep Fen awake, and partly to sort out his own thoughts, the ones he’d struggled not to think about for so long.

  He’d thought there’d always be another day, another chance to talk to his dad.

  A chance to try to reconnect with him.

  A chance to tell him he loved him.

  Until that call a couple of hours earlier.

  “What’s so stupid,” Joel said, “is I’m not sure it was the bein’ gay and kinky part that pissed him off so much. I honestly think it was more that here was this third person spreadin’ all this information about me all over the place. Other people ‘knowin’ our business,’ as he’d say. Gossipin’. He grew up in a time where unless it was good news, you didn’t talk about it outside of immediate family. Even then, sometimes not.

  “He was…embarrassed. All their friends and family and people who went to their church got to hear about their ‘pervert’ son. Based on some stuff my mom’s said over the years, I think she kinda suspected I was gay before that all hit, but she never said anything before it came out.”

  He stared out the windshield at the highway rolling in front of them. “I hope Karma took care of that fucker for me.”

  “Your ex?” Fen asked.

  “Yeah. Psychotic sonofabitch. If I’d known how crazy he was, I’d never gotten involved with him. But I wasn’t in the kinky scene for very long. Hell, I still wasn’t fully out. My boss was a ragin’ homophobe, which was another reason I stayed in the closet. I’d drive over to Pensacola to attend gay events there. Especially in the beginnin’ I didn’t want to do anythin’ where I might be seen and it get back to my family, you know?”

  Joel shook his head. “Gawd, I was an idiot. I started goin’ to a munch in Mobile after a couple of years. People all
seemed nice. Mostly straight, some gay. Then I met Johnny there, and since there weren’t a whole lot of eligible gay and kinky guys I’d met in Mobile, I gave him a chance. I should’ve been more careful. I shouldn’t have told him so much about me at first, and I should have talked to people about him.”

  * * * *

  In his grief and emotional pain, Joel’s drawl had thickened, deepened, and despite himself Fen thought it was sexy as hell and hoped that didn’t make him a horrible person to have that thought at that time.

  Fen had never pushed Joel to talk about his ex in detail before. He could tell it was a painful topic and hadn’t wanted to stress him.

  Except now that the topic was open…

  “How long were you with him?” Fen asked.

  “A month. But there wasn’t a Frightful Five for me back then. I was busy with work, and Johnny seemed to hit all the right marks. I figured nobody’s perfect, right?”

  “But he wasn’t.”

  “I had a guy approach me at one of the munches, when I’d gone without Johnny because he said he had to work. Never saw the guy before, but he asked if I was datin’ Johnny. I said yeah, why? And he told me if I was smart, I’d ask around about him in Biloxi and turn the other way and run. So I did some diggin’. Turned out Johnny worked for one of those casino barges they had there. Got himself fired for basically doin’ to a guy there what he turned around and did to me. When I broke things off with him—without tellin’ him I’d looked into his past—he literally went crazy. Told me I’d better check myself and reconsider, or he’d make sure everyone in town knew about me, includin’ my parents.

  “Well, fucker knew I wasn’t out. I told him to go fuck himself, thinkin’ he wouldn’t do that, because he wasn’t out to his job, either. And he couldn’t exactly afford to lose his job, because, oh, yeah, turns out he was on probation.”

  “No!”

  “Yeah. For passin’ bad checks. Somethin’ else I didn’t know, and another reason he lost his job at the casino, because they sort of don’t want people workin’ for them with those kinds of charges on their record.”