Searching for a Heart Read online

  Craved it, and him.

  She like the way he talked about future plans with her, things they could do to the house.

  Trips they could take together.

  Asking her about how to plan for the holidays, even though they were months away.

  Asking what he could to do make her life easier and give her more time for her upcoming classes.

  Like he was already considering their future a given.

  Fortunately, with help from Joel, Fen, and Fen’s parents—who took to Milo immediately, as did Snoobug, Fen’s young and very fickle niece—Milo was able to win her parents over.

  Although, to be fair, Milo was introduced to them as “the boyfriend,” not as “the guy their daughter was in effect moving in with even sooner than she planned to.”

  Because, yeah, no one thought that was a smart move, to tell them. Plus, Joel and Fen covered for her and didn’t let on she’d already moved in with Milo. As far as her parents knew, she was still living with Fen and Joel, but that the same friends who’d introduced them had introduced Milo and Mads.

  They thought it wise to stack the deck with a success story they’d easily understand and believe.

  Couldn’t hurt.

  But one side benefit of all their time together was that, late that week, Milo heard about an opening at their company, in a different department than he worked, and was able to get Mads in for an interview. Not as much money as she’d been making before, but once she needed the health insurance, it was decent and would cover her medicines and doctors.

  She could start the next Monday.

  Between the painting and getting the furniture moved—and let’s be honest, most of her other stuff, too, because she didn’t want to not live with him—time sped past, until she was already on her third week working there. Then her parents left on their cruise, and despite the nagging ache in her right side that she suspected was from overdoing it in June’s pole dancing class, life was damned perfect.

  That Friday night, Mads headed home before Milo because he was stuck on a conference call.

  Except, the pain in her side didn’t get better.

  At all.

  In fact, by the time he got home from work and found Mads bent over in the bathroom and unable to stand, she’d been close to calling 911 herself.

  That’s why she didn’t argue when he scooped her and her purse into his arms and rushed her out to his car to drive her to the ER.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Milo didn’t want to say anything, in case he was wrong and this was nothing worse than gas, but he remembered when his brother had an emergency appendectomy and his symptoms had been a lot like these. He’d helped Mads into the hospital gown and tried to keep her calm while the nurse hooked her up to monitors, including a glowing light on her index finger.

  In the rush to get her here, Milo had forgotten her phone, though, and neither of them could remember Fen’s phone number. Milo hadn’t programmed it into his phone yet.

  Milo stayed with her and held her hand, trying to keep her calm as the doctor examined her.

  By calm meaning not about to fall into a blind panic, because Mads seemed pretty damn close to that point right now.

  “We need to get some pictures,” the doctor said to the nurse. “I’ll send orders to radiology, but since we can safely rule out an ovarian cyst, I’m pretty sure we’re looking at an appendix that’s decided it wants to be rehomed.”

  She stared up at Milo, terror and pain clouding her sweet blue eyes. “Please don’t leave me! Please don’t let them take me back there!”

  Milo leaned in, his hand caressing her forehead. “Baby, they need to see what’s going on.”

  The nurse offered Milo a smile. “Come on. I’ll get you in there. I need her to stay calm and take deep breaths or we’ll have to put her on oxygen.”

  Relief flooded through him. “See, baby? It’s okay. Breathe for me, all right?”

  Panic still filled her gaze, but Mads nodded and lay back in the bed.

  He walked next to the gurney while the nurse pushed it, holding Mads’ hand as they navigated the quiet halls down to radiology.

  At least no one so far had given Mads any hassles over being trans, but he didn’t know if that was because they were just nice people or because he was taller and apparently scary-looking when he was terrified his girlfriend might be dying.

  They were in radiology and they were starting to move her from the gurney onto the table when she moaned. “I…I don’t feel good—”

  He managed to keep from getting puked on, but before they could start to clean that up Mads doubled over in pain, crying.

  “Oh, my god, it hurts so bad!”

  From that point on, it was a blur of action, of Mads crying and Milo feeling helpless, until they got an IV started and dosed her and then wheeled her back to the OR and they parked him in a waiting room.

  Where he felt…

  Shit.

  Milo hated feeling so fucking helpless, hated not being able to do anything.

  He sat there in a daze for the better part of an hour before a nurse came out to tell him it had definitely been her appendix, that it had burst, and they were in the middle of surgery right now.

  That it was…serious.

  Hated that she was going to be in ICU for a couple of days, because there was a serious risk of infection due to her appendix bursting.

  Hated that her parents and sister were out of town and unable to return. Hell, he didn’t even know how to get in touch with them right now.

  I’m a fucking dumbass. His phone was almost completely dead, but he called up Eliza’s number, and wasn’t sure who was more surprised, him or her, when he burst into tears while telling her what happened.

  “Shh, calm down. Where are you?”

  “Proctor-Collins.”

  “Okay. We’ll call Fen and Joel and get them heading over there to you. How is she?”

  “I don’t know right now. She’s still in surgery.”

  They still hadn’t arrived when another nurse came out to get him and took him back to see her. The nurse told him she’d regained consciousness briefly in recovery, but Mads had been in so much obvious pain they’d given her meds and she’d passed out again. Seeing her lying there, looking tiny and frail in the bed, had almost been more than his heart could bear.

  He bent in and kissed her forehead, whispering to her, wanting her to wake up, to look at him, to let him see her alive.

  Right now, he couldn’t stay with her in the surgical ICU. Once she was stepped out of that section into the regular ICU, they’d let him stay longer. Hopefully by tomorrow afternoon.

  Or, this afternoon, rather.

  For now, he had to go out and could come back in an hour for a few minutes.

  Once again sitting in the waiting room, her things in a bag, he felt…

  Helpless.

  He looked up when Eliza and Rusty arrived, Skye and Axel literally running in seconds behind them, followed by Joel and Fen. He stood, nearly bursting into tears with relief.

  “How is she?” Fen asked.

  “Critical, but stable.”

  “Why didn’t you call us sooner?” Fen scolded as he hugged him.

  “I was…brain-dead. I’m so scared. I didn’t have your numbers in my phone and didn’t think about calling Rusty and Eliza until a little bit ago.”

  Joel hugged him. “Well, we’re here now, for both of you.”

  “Yeah,” Axel said when he got his hug. “We won’t leave you two alone.”

  Rusty and Eliza both enveloped him in a group hug. “We’re here for both of you,” Rusty said. “Whatever we can do.”

  He started crying again. “I can’t lose her,” he said, not caring who saw him crying. “I love her.”

  “Of course you do, dummy,” Eliza tried to tease. “We aren’t about to go ruining our perfect track record!”

  * * * *

  Fortunately, the staff were kind and apparently recognized Eliza f
rom her staying with another friend who’d been in the ICU. They let Milo in just after morning shift change, able to sit at Mads’ bedside, where he promptly dozed off holding Mads’ hand.

  Milo awakened at the feel of Mads’ hand squeezing his. He opened his eyes and sat up, his back creaking in protest. She still looked out of it but Milo forced a smile.

  “Hey, sweetheart. There you are.”

  “What happened?” Her voice sounded raspy, and she swallowed, tried licking her lips.

  “Your appendix burst and they had to rush you in for emergency surgery.”

  She started to sit up, but he reached out and touched her shoulder. “Don’t do that, baby.”

  “I want to get up.”

  “No, you need to stay there. They had to do full surgery. They couldn’t do it laparoscopically.”

  “I want to get out of bed. I’m thirsty.”

  “Sweetheart, you can’t.” He reached over with his hand and punched the call button to summon the nurse. “You can’t risk ripping something open. Besides, you’re hooked up with wires and IVs and…everything.”

  Panic flared in her gaze, and she started to reach down but he caught her hand and brought it up to his lips, kissing it.

  “Stop,” he whispered. “You’re safe. I’m here. I’ve got Fen and Joel, and Rusty and Eliza, out in the waiting room. Axel and Skye went home a little while ago.”

  The nurse walked into the cubicle. He wasn’t sure he liked the vibe he received from this nurse. She was a younger woman, and he’d spied the way she’d pursed her lips when going over something on Mads’ chart earlier.

  Like maybe she didn’t approve of something she saw on the laptop.

  Or maybe it was his imagination looking for problems where there were none. He was exhausted and felt pretty damned emotional right now.

  The nurse reached over and shut off the call signal. “How are we doing?”

  “She just woke up.”

  “Are you having any pain?” the nurse asked her.

  Mads nodded, eyeing the woman, suspicion filling her features.

  “Can we get her something to drink?” he asked.

  “I’ll find out.”

  “She’s also overdue for her estradiol,” he said, noting the way Mads’ gaze flicked to him. “She didn’t take her dose last night.”

  “I’ll have to talk to the doctor first. They probably will want to order a different method of delivery for now.” She made a note on the computer terminal and offered Milo a tepid smile before leaving again.

  I hope that woman isn’t going to be trouble. The staff down in the emergency room had been wonderful but he couldn’t deny the weird vibe he was getting from this particular nurse.

  If anyone tried to hassle Maddison, he wouldn’t hesitate to go aggro on their asses.

  Maddison was his, and like hell would he allow anyone to mistreat her. He’d almost lost her—in fact it terrified him how closely this whole situation flirted with a horrible, tragic outcome.

  At least it definitely drove one point home harder than any other—he wanted to spend the rest of his life with Maddison.

  Now all he had to do was make sure he convinced her of that.

  Hopefully, she’d want to spend the rest of her life with him, too.

  And if not?

  Well, he didn’t want to think about that, because he wasn’t sure what to do with the rest of his life if Maddison wasn’t there in the middle of it.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Everything.

  Fucking.

  Hurt.

  Mads was trying not to panic, but realizing she was stuck in a hospital, it was pretty damned hard not to panic.

  The only reason she wasn’t panicking was waking up to holding Milo’s hand.

  “I love you, Sir,” she whispered.

  He leaned in and offered her an exhausted smile that nearly broke her heart. “I love you, too, baby. You scared the hell out of me. You’re not allowed to do that.”

  He was here.

  With her.

  “I’m sorry, Sir.”

  He pressed a tender kiss to her forehead. “Forgiven, baby.” He sat back. “So what am I going to do with you, hmm?”

  “Collar me?” she whispered.

  His smile faded. Yes, they’d already started having those talks. “Then we need to talk about that once you’re home. I want you clear-minded and not scared out of your fucking mind when we discuss this. I won’t leave you alone here. If I can’t be here with you, I’ll make sure Fen or Eliza or someone is, okay?”

  She nodded, but then the nurse returned, and he sat back, squeezing Mads’ hand as the nurse fiddled with the IV.

  Before long, she realized she was fading out again, but at least the pain was easing…

  * * * *

  Milo wouldn’t go home, despite Eliza and Fen trying to get him to and even offering to sit with Maddison.

  The only concession he made was sitting in the waiting room and napping in one of the recliners there while Fen sat at Mads’ bedside.

  At least they’d caught it fast and had been able to clean the infection out. As long as she didn’t spike a fever, and her blood work looked good over the next few days, then she’d be able to go home.

  Mads was heavily medicated for pain all day and slept through her transfer from the ICU and into a regular room. They all stayed with her while Milo ran home to shower and change and grab a couple of things, like her phone and both their chargers.

  She was still asleep when he returned. That’s when Milo finally convinced Eliza, Rusty, Fen, and Joel to go home and get some sleep. He could nap in Mads’ room with her.

  The day nurse had been pleasant enough, professional, not super-snuggly or anything, but Milo hadn’t minded her. He’d liked her better than the nurse Maddison had in the ICU, that was for certain.

  The night nurse, however…

  He suspected if someone was going to be getting on his last fucking nerve, it was going to be this bitch.

  That happened around ten p.m., when the nurse tried to tell him he had to go home, despite the day nurse telling him that of course he could spend the night there with Mads. The room was even equipped with one of those sleeper recliners.

  Maddison had drifted awake while Milo was going round four or four hundred with the nurse, something like that, with her trying to urge him to leave.

  “I don’t understand what your problem is,” Milo finally said, completely exasperated by the nurse’s demeanor.

  “He can’t—”

  “She,” Milo snapped.

  The nurse shot him a dark look she quickly schooled. “She can’t get out of bed right now. Maybe you should go home and get some sleep.”

  “I can sleep just fine right here. I’m not leaving her, because she’ll panic.”

  “We can get something from the doctor for that. He needs to check the incision, anyway.”

  “Then I can sit right here while that happens, too.”

  Mads looked close to panic again, and he understood why.

  Well, he understood the basic reason.

  He’d never claim he could comprehend her fear at the visceral level he knew it was tearing at her. It was never something he’d ever had to worry about.

  Never something he’d endured, and he hated that she’d gone through it in the first place.

  It was one more thing he couldn’t protect her from, but he’d do his damnedest to try.

  After the nurse left, he parked himself in his chair on Mads’ left side and held her hand again. He kept his voice low, both forcing her to tip her head closer and pay attention to him.

  “I’m right here, baby,” he said.

  “I want to go home, Sir.”

  “I know you do, but they can’t send you home until they know you’re going to be okay.”

  “I don’t want them touching me.”

  “I’m right here, sweetheart.” He reached up with his left hand and cupped her cheek. “They won’t do a
nything they don’t need to do to make sure you’re okay. I’m not letting them run me out.”

  The nurse returned with a resident. She pulled back the sheet and blanket without bothering to say anything first.

  “Hey,” Milo snapped. “Little courtesy, please. Tell her what you’re going to do first, huh?”

  Bitch.

  Rolled.

  Her.

  Eyes.

  Actually fucking rolled them.

  Then the woman froze, maybe sensing that the rage washing through Milo was about to be given birth right there in the air between them as a literal fucking demon he would gladly unleash on her.

  “Sorry,” she muttered. “Doctor needs to check the incision.”

  “Thank you,” Milo said. He refocused on Mads, resting his head on the mattress so he could stare into her eyes, which forced her to turn her head toward him and away from what they were doing. “Watch me, baby,” he whispered. “Eyes on me.”

  Mads sucked in a sharp breath, wincing as they did something.

  “Sorry, dude,” the resident said.

  That proved to be the moment when Milo seriously thought he was going to come unfuckingglued and get himself arrested for the first time in his life.

  He lifted his head and glared at the doctor. “Apologize,” he said.

  The doctor pulled her hospital gown down and dragged the covers back over her. “I said I’m sorry. Didn’t mean to hurt—”

  “Not for that. You apologize to her. She is not a ‘dude.’”

  The resident’s eyes widened as the situation apparently registered in his brain. “Oh…oh, my gosh, I’m sorry, ma’am. I-I meant ‘dude’ generically, I—”

  “We done here?” Milo snapped.

  “Look, seriously, I’m really sorry.” At least he sounded genuinely sorry. Or terrified. Milo would accept either one, at this point.

  Behind him, the nurse rolled her eyes again.

  He snapped his fingers at her. “You got a problem you want to share with the class, honey? Because you roll those goddamned eyes of yours at her or me one more fucking time and—”

  “I’m really, really sorry, sir,” the resident said, holding up his hands and stepping in front of the nurse to obscure her from Milo’s view.