Any World That I'm Welcome To [Suncoast Society] (Siren Publishing Sensations) Read online

  Neil suspected Nate was only charging them half the price he usually would, too. They paid for it out of pocket since insurance didn’t cover it. But even the nurses had commented that it seemed to make a positive if negligible difference, and Tamsin’s doctors said since it wasn’t harming her to keep trying it.

  “Who would have thought we’d ever be using an EMS or TENS unit for non-kinky purposes?” Neil joked.

  “No shit. We’d better watch out or they’ll revoke our Dom cards.”

  Neil spotted his playful smile. “I know, right? Doms who dare bottom to each other and who use torture devices therapeutically. How scandalous.”

  Dex reached out, caught Neil’s hand, and brought it up to his lips, swiping his tongue along Neil’s palm. All while staring into Neil’s eyes, the outer corners of Dex’s crinkled in amusement. “I licked it, therefore, it’s mine.”

  Neil was forced to pull Dex in for a hug. It was that, or risk the man spotting his tears.

  That had been a familiar joke of Tamsin’s, done to both of them.

  Hearing Dex say it painfully drove home their loss.

  I need to focus on him.

  “Let’s go away for your birthday next month, huh?”

  Dex stared up into Neil’s eyes. “Where’d that come from?”

  “You’ll be off work that weekend, right? Let’s go away. Locally. Over to Siesta Key, or down to Venice, or something.”

  “When I mentioned us going somewhere for your birthday, you didn’t want to leave her.”

  That had been only a few weeks after getting her home from the rehab facility. When Neil had still been desperately in the clutches of certainty that having her home would go a long way toward them being able to heal her.

  Even though he’d also known at some level how nutty that theory was. Not at all grounded in facts or reality or medical knowledge.

  “I trust the nurses now.” Not exactly a full-on lie, because he did trust their nurses now.

  Dex reached up and cradled Neil’s face in his hands. “Let’s go talk in the kitchen, babe.”

  Code for, We need to talk away from Tamsin.

  Once they were in the kitchen, Dex dropped his voice. “What’s going on?”

  “I want to do something special for your birthday. We haven’t even gone out to a movie…since. You’ve been through a lot.”

  Dex rested his hands on Neil’s shoulders. Despite the five inches Neil had on him, he still felt like Dex currently had the upper hand. “Talk to me.”

  Neil couldn’t meet Dex’s brown gaze. He focused instead on his mouth, the lips belonging to the man he loved. “I…I don’t want you to look back on this in a few years and hate me.”

  “Well, that’s just crazy talk. Why would I hate you?”

  “Because you’re…stuck with me.”

  Dex pulled him in for a hug. “Fuck me, buddy, you’re begging for a spanking, you know that? I don’t know how much more clear I can make it that I love you. You’re my Prince, after all.”

  He once again cradled Neil’s face in his hands. “Yeah, that first month after we got married, we were busy trying to get used to having her home, and the nurses, and everything else. I had feelings for you then. Why do you think I got you a ring? I wanted to make up for being an asshole and not giving you one when we got married. And for not telling you I loved you sooner.”

  He made Neil lean in, their foreheads touching. His voice dropped to a whisper. “What I wish could be will eat me alive, if I let it. What we have is what we have. I love you, and I love what we have. This likely never would have happened with any other guy. I still consider myself straight. But I’m not going to meet some woman some day and say, ‘Oooh, yeah, I’m done with Neil.’ That will not happen. Because the only woman in my heart is Tam, and because I love you. I told you, I’m not sharing you, and you’re not sharing me.”

  Neil gave up trying to hide his tears. “Except with Tam.”

  “Except with Tam.” His fingers tangled in Neil’s hair, holding him in place. “And I think we’re both good with that.”

  “Yeah.”

  Neil heard Dex’s deep, soul-weary sigh. “I think,” Dex slowly said, “that you and I are on the same wavelength about…long-term. Her prognosis. I agree with everything we’re doing, but we need to quit setting ourselves up for heartbreak and focus on what is, instead of what if, or else…” He didn’t finish.

  Neil closed his eyes and nodded.

  Then, the feel of Dex’s lips once again kissing his tears away. “Do you really want to go away for the weekend?”

  Neil nodded.

  “Okay.” When Neil opened his eyes, he found Dex smiling up at him. “That mean I get the bottomy side of you for that whole weekend?”

  Neil swallowed hard. Playing around the way they frequently did and seriously submitting were two different things.

  Except…he trusted Dex. Completely. “Birthday boy’s choice.”

  “Oooh, baby.” Dex let go of Neil’s face and wrapped his arms around him, hands gripping Neil’s ass. “Then yes, please.”

  “Just remember, we take turns. I’ve heard Gilo say that being switchy is sort of a self-preservation regulation to what they do to each other. I might dish it back to you.”

  “Who says I’m against that? Maybe I want you to dish it back to me.”

  Neil leaned in for a kiss. “Get caught in a never-ending cycle of caning and fucking?”

  “I can think of worse ways to spend our nights,” Dex teased.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Dex agreed to let Neil handle the birthday weekend arrangements. As New Year’s passed, an unfortunately busy night for Dex, he did manage to have a brief FaceTime conversation with Neil at midnight to blow him and Tamsin a kiss through the screen.

  Over the next couple of weeks, Dex let that slip out of his mind. He’d already decided that it would be the weekend he asked Neil to have a recommitment ceremony with him on their one-year anniversary. They still hadn’t had the larger party they’d meant to hold for all their friends.

  That could be it.

  And this time, he’d go out and shop for rings for them. Their rings. They could wear the other rings on their right hands, but…

  It was time to face reality. In any other world, maybe he and Tamsin were happy and planning to have a family and had been married for a couple of months already. She was happy teaching music and maybe they’d decided to keep living with Neil.

  Maybe in another world they’d decided to hold off on kids and focus on enjoying these precious years with each other, going to private parties and to Venture when they could, around his schedule. Having kinky fun, an odd sort of trio. Maybe even screening Neil’s love interests and putting them through the wringer to make sure the man would gel with what the three of them already had.

  Maybe in some other world Neil had already met his Mr. Right and they were happily helping him plan his wedding.

  These worlds and more had frequently crossed his mind.

  It had to stop.

  This world was the one they lived in.

  With each other.

  He and Neil really hadn’t had alone time together, as a couple. Without worrying about what one of Tam’s nurses could see or hear. They’d never dated, never spent hours together doing things like normal couples did. Just a few hours snuck in here and there that, despite having qualified nurses to care for Tam, left them feeling guilty for taking that time from her.

  They had a life together ahead of them, but they needed to find a way to carve out selfish bits of time for the two of them on occasion. Like parents with children. That was the only way to have a healthy marriage.

  For Tam’s sake, they needed to have a healthy marriage. If they didn’t, if they couldn’t take care of themselves and each other in a healthy way, it put her at risk in more ways than one.

  Right now, Dex was sitting in the back of the ambulance in the bay, having just completed an inventory. He pulled his person
al phone from his pocket and stared at the lock screen.

  For the past several months, it’d been a pic he’d taken of Tam one afternoon out by the pool, before the accident, the sunlight hitting her just right from the side, that playful baby brat smile on her face.

  At this point, he had better chances of hitting the lottery or getting eaten by a shark than he did of her ever coming back to them like that, and he damn well knew it.

  Scrolling through his phone, he looked at his pictures, struggling not to cry every time he stared at her face. He found a picture of him and Neil, one he’d taken a couple of weeks ago in front of their Christmas tree. The tree lights had given them a warm, colorful glow, and he’d managed to snap the selfie with them looking into each other’s eyes.

  He loves me. He’s in love with me. And I love him. I love my husband.

  He set it as his lock screen pic before returning his phone to his pocket.

  * * * *

  When it was time for them to leave for the weekend late Friday, Dex found Neil had already packed for both of them. As they stood in the living room and said good-bye to Tamsin, Karyn offered them an encouraging smile.

  “I promise to call if anything happens. If I don’t call, then please don’t worry. You two need this time off.”

  “Thanks,” Dex said before leaning in to press one more kiss to Tamsin’s lips. Today they were using cherry-flavored lip balm on her, and he tasted it as he straightened and licked his lips.

  Neil leaned in and kissed Tamsin’s forehead. “Be good for Karyn. We’ll be back late Sunday, baby.”

  Dex followed Neil out to Neil’s car and headed for the passenger door. He hadn’t asked Neil for any details, wanting to be surprised.

  Part of that was knowing Neil wanted to surprise him.

  Dex automatically laid a hand on Neil’s thigh once he’d fastened his seat belt, and it felt right when Neil’s hand covered his and squeezed.

  Looking at him, Dex smiled. “I really love what we have.”

  Neil’s gaze focused on him. “Me, too.”

  Dex leaned in for a kiss. “Thank you for this weekend.”

  Dex wouldn’t deny the look of pride on Neil’s face turned his crank. “I hope you like what I set up.”

  “I know I will. I’ll be with you.”

  They headed toward downtown, then across the John Ringling Causeway. Their destination was a small beach resort on Longboat Key. After checking in, they stood on the balcony and stared out at a gorgeous sunset over the Gulf. It was a little breezy, and coming off the Gulf it felt pleasantly cool in contrast to the unseasonably warm January day.

  Neil had packed a cooler, including some bottles of hard cider. They stood sipping them, side-by-side, leaning on the railing, Dex’s right arm interlocked with Neil’s left, fingers laced.

  “I want to have a recommitment ceremony on our one-year anniversary,” Dex said, deciding not to wait to have this conversation.

  Neil stared at him. “You do?”

  “Yeah.” Dex’s thumb traced Neil’s ring. “I want to shop for rings for us. Our rings.”

  “What about Tamsin?”

  “I still want us to wear the other rings. I was thinking we move them to our right hands.” Dex met his gaze. “You’re my husband, and I love you. I’m always going to love her, you know that. Just like I know you’ll always love her. But…” He sighed. “It’s not healthy for me to keep holding on to an unrealistic hope at the expense of what we have. If I was lying in that bed, I wouldn’t want her to put her life in stasis for me. I would want her to be happy. Maybe there will be a miracle one day. Who knows? But if that happens, we’ll handle it then and I’ll be fucking happy, believe me. Meanwhile…”

  He squeezed Neil’s hand. “I need to be happy with you. I am happy with you. I need us to be happy with each other.”

  Neil tipped his head onto Dex’s shoulder. “She’s not coming back to us, is she?”

  “I wish I could say yes, but I don’t want to lie to you. The longer it takes, the less likely it is. It doesn’t mean I don’t love her. I do. I always will. And we’ll always take care of her. She’s the center of our lives.”

  “Did I do the right thing? By making them keep her alive?”

  Dex hated how pained Neil’s voice sounded. “Yes. There’s always hope. What we can’t do is live our lives waiting. We have to keep moving forward. They might come up with a treatment one day that helps.”

  “Nate said he wouldn’t mind trying something different with the acupuncture. It’s like a TENS unit with needles, sort of.”

  “And we can try that, too. We can try lots of stuff.” He kissed Neil’s shoulder. “Buddy, we’re a damn good team. She’d want us to be happy. The woman I know and love wouldn’t fault us for needing each other.”

  Neil closed his eyes. “The woman I know and love begged me to never let her be stuck in a bed for the rest of her life.”

  Dex made him turn and look into his eyes. “She loves you. She knows how much we both love her. If the brain scans were different, that’d be one thing. I’m not saying we don’t have hope or stop trying. I’m saying we don’t live our life waiting for hope to turn into reality.”

  He also knew something else needed to happen this weekend, rather than waiting. “Is there time this weekend for us to hit the mall?”

  “Why?”

  He brought Neil’s left hand up to his lips and feathered them across his palm. “I want to shop for our rings. I don’t want to wait for that.”

  * * * *

  Neil felt…torn. Torn, and loathing himself. Because he loved Dex to the very depths of his soul—and he loved Tamsin.

  I’ll take care of him for you. I promise.

  Doyle had warned him about feeling guilty, to try to ride it out and not let it consume him.

  But that no, he was not a “bad” guy for what had happened between him and Dex. It was consensual…and reframed by Doyle, it was beautiful.

  Transforming horrible, tragic wreckage into beautiful art.

  “Yeah, we can do that,” Neil said. “Why don’t you want to wait?”

  Dex fished his phone out of his pocket and showed him the lock screen, the picture of them from Christmas.

  “That’s us, buddy. This is who we are. Life’s too damn short and full of bad surprises for me to want to waste any of it.”

  Then Dex pulled him in for a kiss and Neil…melted. Sure, he’d planned to let the birthday boy have his way with him this weekend, but…

  Yeah.

  This wasn’t just playing a role for him. If Dex wanted him, he’d give himself to the man in any way Dex wanted him.

  Dex had his love and trust and no way would he give any of that up. They moved back into the suite and closed the sliding glass doors behind them. Dex took Neil’s bottle of cider and set them both on the table on their way past it to the bed.

  When Neil felt the edge of the mattress pressing against his legs, he let Dex gently push him back onto the bed, that sexy smirk curling Dex’s lips as he climbed on top of Neil.

  “Someone promised me a subby weekend,” Dex teased, his mouth hovering just over Neil’s lips.

  “I did. I meant it.” Neil felt a welcomed and familiar bulge in the front of Dex’s shorts pressing against him.

  “I hope so.” Dex started rocking his hips against Neil’s. “For your birthday, I’ll play subby for you.”

  “Only if you want to.”

  Dex paused, his intense brown gaze ripping all the shadows away from his soul, exposing his core. “I don’t trust anyone a fraction as much as I trust you.”

  “My gorgeous man, if you don’t hurry up and fuck me, I think something might rupture in a bad way.”

  Dex leaned in to kiss him, but they were quickly naked and writhing together on the bed, Dex spooned behind him, on their sides, Dex’s condom-sheathed cock up Neil’s ass and the man taking his sweet time.

  Dex’s hand settled on Neil’s hip, holding him in place as he took
a long, deep stroke inside him. “Know why I love this position?” he whispered in Neil’s ear.

  Neil honestly didn’t care, because it felt good. And Dex’s voice in his ear sent good shivers down his spine. “Why?”

  Dex nipped Neil’s earlobe. “Because I love feeling your body stretched out along mine like this.”

  Neil tipped his head back to kiss him. “Gonna start out making me cry this soon, huh?”

  “Wouldn’t be much of a sadist if I didn’t.” Dex’s hand trailed up from Neil’s hip to his left nipple, pinching, making Neil’s cock twitch with need. Dex didn’t stop until Neil finally gave him the moan he’d apparently been looking for. “Yeah, buddy. I get to make you make all sorts of noises this weekend you don’t usually get to make.”

  Dex pinched Neil’s right nipple, back and forth, until Neil finally realized Dex wasn’t even fucking him, just torturing him.

  He started to squeeze Dex’s cock with his ass, which earned him a hand cupped around his throat.

  Dex whispered into his ear, “Did I tell you to try to make me come like that?”

  “No, Sir.”

  The two words fell from Neil’s mouth like magic.

  Noting that would have to fall under the examine later label, he pressed his body against Dex’s.

  “I’m in charge this weekend,” Dex said, “and I want this one to last a while.”

  Just to emphasize that, he rolled Neil onto his stomach and long-stroked him a couple of times before returning to their sides. “I feel like I could fuck you all night, and maybe I’ll do just that.”

  Another moan ripped itself free from Neil’s throat.

  An oh, goodie moan.

  The man had damn good stamina. Neil had already known that from seeing him and Tamsin together, but Neil hadn’t counted on Dex having that same kind of stamina with him.