The Reluctant Dom Read online

  I have already talked to Ed and Tony, and they know what to do. What little sleep you can get while they’re there, take it.

  I love you, dude. And tell her I love her, too.

  Seth closed his eyes, nodded, and handed the card back to Ed.

  Ed leaned in close and whispered into his ear, “I have a lot to give you, some a little at a time, some at certain stages. I’m to save everything for you to have after, if you want to keep it. He really did plan everything.”

  Seth nodded.

  * * * *

  Seth was aware of the sound of low voices, the stretcher rolling across the tile again, the front door opening and shutting. A few moments later, the sound of a vehicle leaving. The nurse stopped in the doorway and whispered something to Ed. Ed nodded and walked over to Seth and leaned in close to whisper in his ear.

  “She asked where the sheets are. She said she’d change the bed for you, if you’d like.”

  Seth started to tell him, then stopped. “No, I’ll do it. Tell her thank you, though.”

  Ed nodded. He walked out of the room with her for a few minutes. Seth heard her leave a little while later.

  Seth didn’t know if Leah was asleep or catatonic, but he knew she needed a little while to decompress before he gave her a full session.

  He hoped Ed brought ear plugs.

  He eventually untangled himself from Leah. She stirred and looked at him.

  “Love, we need to take care of a couple of things. Can you help me?”

  She numbly nodded.

  He helped her to her feet and, with an arm around her waist, led her to the linen closet. “Let’s change my sheets for Ed.” He hadn’t spent a full night in his own bed in months, but he had slept there in the past week during the day, napping when he knew Leah was asleep with Kaden, the hospice nurses having strict orders to wake him if Leah even so much as coughed in her sleep.

  Leah helped him change the sheets, and she gathered the dirty ones to take them out to the garage.

  Next, the harder one. Seth helped her walk down the hall to their bedroom. She stopped in the doorway and sobbed, but let him lead her inside.

  He’d changed the sheets earlier that morning. The nurse had tossed the disposable pads they’d used on top of the sheets. Frankly, it didn’t need changing.

  Leah climbed into bed, grabbed Kaden’s pillow, and deeply inhaled.

  Seth didn’t have the heart to move her.

  Ed watched from the hallway, and Seth walked over to him. “Just keep your door open in case I need you,” Seth whispered.

  Ed nodded and went to get his bag from his car.

  Seth slipped into bed with her and wrapped his arms around her. She rocked herself, the pillow in her arms, her eyes squeezed shut. Maybe this wasn’t a good idea.

  She rocked herself for an hour, Seth trying to hold onto her. She didn’t speak, didn’t make any noise other than to sniffle and weep.

  She finally fell still, and he thought maybe she’d cried herself to sleep. When she spoke, her flat, dead voice startled him.

  “Please let me die,” she said.

  “What?”

  “I want to die. I can’t do this. It hurts too much. I thought I could, but I can’t. Please.”

  He held her tighter, scared. “No.”

  “Please, Master. Let me die.”

  He tried not to sob. “No, babe, I can’t do that. I won’t let you do that. I need you.”

  She squeezed the pillow to her. “It hurts. It hurts so bad. I knew it would hurt, but it hurts so much.”

  “I know, babe. I hurt too. I can’t let you die. I promised. You promised him. We promised him.”

  She sobbed, cried for hours. Seth lost track of time. Tony arrived and Ed let him in. He brought water to them. Seth had to force her to drink. When Seth got up to go to the bathroom, Tony sat with Leah.

  Time blurred for Seth. He didn’t even know what time Kaden had died, just that it had been late afternoon, and now it was after three in the morning.

  Seth dozed, vaguely aware of Tony quietly sitting in the chair in the corner and reading a book. Seth didn’t dare let Leah out of his arms, afraid she would hurt herself before he could stop her. The slightest movement, even a subtle change in her breathing, woke him.

  In the morning, Seth realized he’d dozed off. Ed sat, reading, in the chair. Leah was asleep. Seth smelled coffee and eggs cooking.

  Moving slowly and carefully, Seth got out of bed, used the bathroom, and left Ed watching Leah while he walked to the kitchen.

  Tony was cooking breakfast.

  Seth poured himself a cup of coffee and sat at the counter. “Thank you,” he hoarsely said.

  Tony nodded, scooped some eggs and bacon onto a plate, and put it in front of Seth. “I know you don’t feel like eating, but force it down anyway. You’ll need it.”

  Seth nodded and complied without question. He felt alternately numb and like he wanted to curl up and die.

  Kaden’s dead.

  The mental heartbeat had reached its inevitable end.

  He finished, quickly showered in his old room, then went to relieve Ed. Leah awoke a little after nine. The only indication Seth had was her sudden, sharp intake of breath, followed by a deep, sad sigh.

  She didn’t open her eyes, hadn’t moved, still clutched the pillow.

  He waited twenty minutes before gently stroking her cheek. “Honey, you need to get up, go to the bathroom.”

  She vigorously shook her head.

  Okay, then.

  He scooped her up. She wouldn’t let go of the pillow, so he let her hold it. He carried her into the bathroom and set her on her feet, forced her to stand. Forget modesty. He pulled her shorts and underwear down, made her sit on the toilet.

  She looked like a dead woman walking. The utter lack of emotion on her face scared him. He knew she needed a session. He just didn’t know if he could bring himself to do it.

  Eventually he heard her go. When he figured she was finished he pulled her to her feet, cleaned her up, and carried her into the bedroom. Tony waited by the door.

  “She okay?”

  Seth shook his head. “Playroom code is 1218. Can you bring me a crop, please?”

  “Moderate or severe?”

  “Moderate.”

  Tony left. Seth didn’t have time or energy to consider how truly freaky that conversation was.

  Tony returned a moment later with a suitable crop. Leah was curled on her side, still clutching Kaden’s pillow. Seth didn’t even care that Tony could see her naked from the waist down. Seth knelt next to her. “Love, do you need to feel the bite?” he whispered.

  She didn’t respond, just closed her eyes.

  He looked at Tony, who nodded.

  Seth took a deep breath. “Love,” he said sternly, “do you need to feel the bite?”

  After a long moment, she nodded.

  Seth didn’t have a good angle and carefully lined up his strokes. A paddle would be easier to manage under the circumstances, but Seth didn’t think he could stand the sound.

  The crop was quieter. And harsher.

  He kept one hand on her waist and laid a stroke across her ass. She didn’t flinch.

  Seth continued, a set of ten as hard as he could manage. At the end he curled around her. “Love, we need to do this. Where are we?”

  An agonizingly long moment later she whispered, “Green, Master.”

  He breathed a sigh of relief. “Set of twenty, love.”

  “Twenty, Master.”

  He closed his eyes and swallowed his sob. He got back onto his knees on the bed. “Count.” He put as much force behind the swing as he could, then waited.

  After nearly a minute she whispered, “One, Master.”

  “Very good, love.”

  It took them twenty minutes to get through the set. But she was talking.

  And she cried.

  If you could call screaming at the top of your lungs and begging to die crying.

  Even Ed and Tony looked near tears.

  After an hour she settled down again, glassy-eyed and staring. Ed motioned to Seth, calling him into the hallway.

  “Why don’t I call her doctor?”

  Seth shook his head. “No. Not yet. She has to deal with it now or later. If we dope her up, she’ll still have to deal with it. I don’t want to resort to that unless she tries to hurt herself.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yeah.” He stared through the doorway to the bed. She wouldn’t let go of Kaden’s pillow, hadn’t released it.

  * * * *

  By that night, he’d managed to get her to go to the bathroom without assistance, although he stood next to her. He took a shower with her, shaved her legs for her, got her to swallow some lukewarm chicken broth and Ensure along with some water.

  Tony and Ed both spent the night again and took turns standing watch so Seth could sleep.

  The next morning, Seth panicked when he awoke and Leah wasn’t in bed with him. Neither Ed nor Tony were in the chair in the corner.

  He heard voices in the kitchen and raced out there. Leah sat at the counter, the glassy stare on her face. Ed stood behind her while Tony cooked. She had a cup of coffee on the counter in front of her, but it didn’t look like she’d drank any.

  Seth touched her arm. “Sweetie, are you okay?”

  Eventually she slowly swiveled her head to look at him. Huge tears rolled down her cheeks. “He’s gone,” she whispered. “I got up to look for him and he’s gone.”

  He pulled her into his arms. “I know, babe. I’m so sorry.”

  “He’s gone, Seth. I couldn’t find him.”

  He looked over her head at Ed.

  “She got up an hour ago,” he whispered. “We didn’t want to wake you. I woke Tony up, and we followed her around the house. She went outside, wandered around, then came back inside and just walked around for a while. She finally sat down here and wouldn’t talk to us. We figured we should let you sleep.”

  “Can I go with him?” she asked. “Please, Seth, I want to be with him.” The dead tone of her whisper filled him with fear.

  He held her tighter, glancing over to the counter. Tony or Ed had apparently hidden the knives from the butcher’s block. “We promised Kade, love. You can’t leave me. You promised him.”

  She shuddered. He scooped her into his arms and carried her to the bedroom. He gave her a set of twenty and held her while she sobbed against him.

  After she went back to sleep, Ed quietly walked in and handed him another index card.

  2 - Aftermath

  Keep her crying. Keep her breathing. Don’t let her out of your sight, and don’t let her get dehydrated. If she asks to kill herself, remind her of her promise. I know I don’t need to tell you not to let her do it. Use whatever you can to keep her with you. Even if you have to play dirty and make shit up, whatever. Tell her I’m ordering her to stay with you and serve you. I have faith in you. You are the only one who can keep her safe, buddy. I know you don’t want to dope her up, but if you have to, I understand. You are there and I’m not, and I know you’ll do whatever she needs.

  Seth cried as he handed the card back to Ed. He handed Seth another one.

  3 - Arrangements

  Ed will take care of everything. All you need to do is, when he tells you, get her dressed in the outfit in the closet, the one in the garment bag. I already put it together for you. Shoes, everything. Let her keep her formal collar on, the neckline on the shirt will hide it. She’ll feel better. It will be held five days after I’m gone, so you’ve got that much time to get her vertical again. I imagine we’re on day two at this point. When you get a moment, when she’s sound asleep, let Tony watch her, and Ed has something he needs to let you see.

  Seth returned the card and studied her. Sound asleep. He nodded and carefully got out of bed. Tony, carrying a book, walked in and settled in the chair again.

  Ed led Seth to the study and quietly closed the door. Kaden’s computer was on, and the DVD program was up.

  Before he clicked the mouse he looked at Seth. “I’m warning you now, he’s left quite a few. For you to watch. He has a couple for her, but most of them are for you.”

  Seth nodded.

  Ed hit play before stepping out of the room and closing the door behind him.

  Kaden had obviously recorded this early on, because he looked good, healthy.

  “Hey, buddy.” Kaden smiled. It looked like he’d filmed it with his webcam here at the desk, in this chair. “I know, this sucks. I’m sorry I’m dumping this on you. Up front, I love you, man. I know you love me. I know she loves me, and believe me, I love her…”

  Twenty minutes later, Seth opened the door. He’d cried buckets of tears but felt a little better. While watching Kaden waste away over the past several months had been horrible, and his twinge of relief at his friend’s release from his pain filled him with guilt, his overwhelming grief and loss had been at the forefront of his mind.

  But Kaden was still there taking care of them in many ways. He had, in typical Kaden control freak fashion, literally arranged every last detail.

  Seth felt even more guilt that he didn’t have to do anything but take care of Leah. Kaden had assured him on the DVD that it was supposed to be his only task right now, but that didn’t assuage him. Shouldn’t he be in charge and taking care of things?

  As it was, he had all he could do to keep from agreeing with Leah that dying looked like a damn good option.

  Kaden had even anticipated that in his message to him.

  Damn, he was spooky.

  He gave Seth several suggestions on how to keep her focused, how to keep her feeling, subtle things Seth could do to keep her alive.

  Seth returned to Leah’s side and napped until late afternoon.

  * * * *

  The phone calls started that evening as people learned of Kaden’s passing. The phone ringer was turned down low, and Helen came over to answer it, giving Tony and Ed a respite. By day four, Leah would speak in short, simple sentences. She’d also stopped asking Seth to let her die.

  Ed came in the fifth morning and motioned to Seth. He joined him in the hall. Leah was still asleep.

  “The limo will be here at four to pick us up. I suggest getting some solid food in her this morning so she doesn’t collapse on us this afternoon. It’ll last until about seven or so.”

  “I can’t leave her side.”

  “You’re not supposed to.”

  “How do I explain who and why—”

  “Seth. You don’t.”

  He studied Ed. “Let me guess.”

  Ed nodded. “He’s got it planned. Don’t worry about it. You don’t worry about appearances or anything else. Just her. Those are his orders.” Ed looked through the bedroom doorway at Leah’s sleeping form and sadly shook his head. “You know, I honestly thought he was overreacting. You know how he is…was. I was just humoring him. I had no idea…” He sighed. “Thank God he thought this through. He made it all easy for me, really.”

  You’re not the only one.

  * * * *

  Seth got her into the shower a little after nine. She docilely stood while he washed her hair, shaved her legs, everything. He carefully towel dried her and slipped a large T-shirt over her head before leading her to the kitchen.

  Between him and Tony, they coaxed a half a bowl of oatmeal and two scrambled eggs down her. Good thing, because Seth estimated she’d lost about ten pounds in the past week simply from not eating. He hoped her stomach would kick in and demand more food once it got its teeth into that.

  He gave her a session in the playroom, taking the four-foot whip to her, got her to cry. She was actually speaking in coherent sentences by two o’clock when he led her back to the kitchen and coaxed her into eating a bowl of clam chowder.

  He dressed her, left her sitting on the couch with Tony sitting on the coffee table in front of her, whispering to her, trying to keep her distracted while Seth got dressed.

  The four of them rode in the limo. Seth was vaguely aware of people talking to them at the memorial service, but he kept his arm firmly around Leah’s waist the entire time during visitation. Tony stood on her other side, ready to help catch her if she collapsed. Leah rarely spoke, mostly nodded and said thank you.

  At least she appeared to be functional, even if she wasn’t.

  Because of the cremation, there was no casket. Kaden instead had picked a picture of the three of them from their Disney trip, taken in front of the Tree of Life at Animal Kingdom, all three of them wearing Mickey Mouse hats, smiling, having fun.

  There were over five hundred people there. Seth didn’t know most of them, but apparently they’d known Kaden. The funeral director started a DVD, and Seth both cringed and laughed throughout it.

  Kaden the control freak strikes again.

  The message was, again, recorded in the early days, when Kaden was still healthy and looked good. How he would have wanted people to remember him. When it finished, a few people gave eulogies. Seth watched but didn’t really listen. His entire focus was on Leah, listening to her breathing, keeping her pulled tight against his side to keep her from collapsing.

  Keeping himself from collapsing under the weight of his crushing grief.

  * * * *

  Time blurred.

  * * * *

  Three mornings later, Leah rolled over in bed and looked at Seth.

  “Good morning, sweetie,” he said.

  She nuzzled her face against his shoulder, and he cuddled her close. “Good morning, Master,” she whispered.

  Tony and Ed were now switching off days. Kaden had left a bunch more cards. So far, Leah was acting nearly exactly as he’d predicted.

  Damn, he was good.

  Seth wondered if he’d ever know Leah that well.

  “Can I get you some breakfast, babe?” He held his breath. Normally she would shake her head, and it would take him twenty minutes to wheedle and beg her into eating something.

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