Reconsider Me Read online

  Heading to the bathroom to clean up, he smiled to himself. He wanted the adorable subby for himself.

  And he was no fucking idiot who’d give up a guy like that over one tiny damn thing that didn’t matter to him at all.

  He sensed Fen was his future.

  That was the only thing that mattered to him.

  * * * *

  After the best night’s sleep he’d had in a long fucking time, Joel awoke late the next morning and the first thought that hit his brain was to wonder how Fen was doing.

  Throughout the night, he’d dreamed about the guy.

  That’d never happened before. Not with a guy he’d just met.

  He grabbed his cell phone from where it sat plugged in on the bedside table and texted him, agonizing over what to say.

  Something between not too eager and creepy and not too nonchalant, either.

  I had fun last night. Looking forward to tonight. Wanted to check in this morning and make sure you’re okay.

  He lay there in bed, trying not to hold his breath. When his phone buzzed with a reply, he nearly dropped the damn thing on his forehead, because he’d been scrolling through e-mail.

  EXCELLENT! :) Feel free to come over at 3 if you want. :)

  Did he want?

  Fuck yeah, he wanted.

  I’ll see you at three. :)

  Joel wondered if Fen always used so many emojis and decided he didn’t care.

  He was fricking adorable.

  Hopefully, he would soon be all Joel’s.

  That afternoon, time didn’t simply crawl. It flattened all four of its tires, blew up its engine, and anchored itself to a very large rock.

  That’s what it felt like to Joel.

  Finally, even knowing he’d be a few minutes early, he left home and stopped by a Publix near Fen’s duplex to pick up a Key lime pie from the bakery. He pulled into Fen’s driveway at ten ’til three.

  As he approached Fen’s front door, Fen threw it open with a grin and practically danced in place like an excited puppy.

  Joel couldn’t help but smile. “Hey.”

  Fen rose up onto his toes to kiss him hello. “Hey, Sir. Oooh, I love Key lime pie, thank you!” He took it from him and headed for what Joel could see was the kitchen.

  Joel followed. “You don’t have to call me Sir if you don’t want to. We haven’t talked about that.”

  He slid the pie into the fridge. “And what if I want to?”

  Everything about the guy kept Joel off-balance.

  In good ways.

  “Then…I guess if you want to, go ahead.”

  Fen closed the fridge and returned to the living room to stand in front of him, smiling. “I want to. And I don’t throw that label around easily or freely. I’m no slut.”

  Daaammmn.

  Well, in this case, at least. Because what Joel wanted to do was put Fen on his knees, which would put him right around cock height, and—

  Joel swallowed hard. “I’m going to be honest that I’m finding it hard to control myself around you. I meant every word I said last night about sex not being on the table, but—”

  “Three.” Fen held up three fingers, smiling wickedly at him. “Two last night and one this morning.” He looked down and adjusted the front of his shorts, which were tented. “Sorry, buddy. You have to wait until later tonight.”

  Jeezus, maybe he would drop to his knees in front of the guy and suck him down.

  Adorable. Frickin’ adorable.

  Fen tipped his head. “How many for you?”

  “Two last night, one this morning, and another in the shower while getting ready. And I think I’m already ready for another one.”

  Fen stepped forward, pressing his hips against Joel’s and wrapping his arms around him. “I’m going to stop by the health department tomorrow at lunch. I can get test results faster that way than having to go through my doc and get an order for the lab. Plus they’re cheaper than a co-pay. Should have first results before the weekend. But they can do instant HIV.”

  Joel nodded. “Okay. I’ll do that, too.” He couldn’t help it, he wrapped his arms around Fen and stared into his eyes. Yeah, in this light, he could see he’d been right that the lighter flecks of color in Fen’s gorgeous brown eyes were amber.

  He leaned in and kissed him, still holding back, not wanting to plunder him.

  It surprised him when Fen jumped up, wrapping his arms and legs around him. Joel caught his ass and held him, turning and propping him against the back of the couch while they kissed.

  It was Fen who wanted to go farther. His tongue teased at the seam of Joel’s lips, lightly at first but then with impatient pressure until Joel gave in and took over. He cupped the back of Fen’s head with one hand and went deep, teeth and tongue and sucking, licking, trying to show him how hungry he was for him.

  Except he was pretty sure Fen could feel Joel’s erection rubbing against Fen’s through their shorts.

  Joel had to come up for air. It was that, or grow increasingly light-headed from how fucking horny he was. It felt like all the blood in his body was now pooled in his cock and balls and demanding he do something about it.

  Chapter Nine

  Fen knew he was seconds from making a very bad decision for a very good reason.

  “Of course,” he gasped, still nibbling at Joel’s neck, “handjobs would be safe, even before test results.”

  “That’s still sex.”

  “Do you have any idea how fucking horny you have me right now?”

  Joel grabbed Fen’s hand and put it over his zipper.

  That was…

  Holy fuck, thank you!

  That was one very nice cock hiding right there within his reach, literally.

  Didn’t matter that he didn’t do anal, he still didn’t want a guy with a micropenis who felt like a damn toothpick in his mouth. Not to mention guys like that usually had chips on their shoulders from feeling they had to overcompensate for their…shortcomings.

  “Yeah,” Joel said. “I have a clue.” The corner of his mouth quirked in a smile.

  Fen took a deep breath. “Seriously, I swear I’m never like this. Ever.”

  “Neither am I.” He let Fen put his feet on the floor. “I think that’s a good sign, don’t you?”

  Fen nodded. “Yeah. Maybe the Frightful Five are better than they think they are.”

  “That’s what I keep hearing,” Joel said. “But…let’s stick to our original plan of being responsible adults.”

  “For how long?”

  Joel stroked Fen’s cheek. His hands felt rough and warm, firm, like sweet control and sexy nights spent screaming the guy’s name. “Until neither one of us can come up with a good enough excuse not to.”

  “What are we going to do until then?”

  “Talk. Keep talking.” He smiled. “Doesn’t mean we can’t still tease each other.”

  Fen honestly wasn’t sure he wouldn’t be on his knees and begging to suck Joel’s cock before it was time to get dinner ready.

  At least for that he was able to take his focus off Joel and his sweet, Southern drawl, his large hands, his tall, sexy body…

  Dat.

  Ass.

  Sure, he’d been instantly attracted to guys before. No guy had ever completely wiped out his reserves like this before.

  To his credit, Joel insisted on helping with dinner, not just sitting back and watching TV or leaning against the counter and watching Fen.

  The second of which Fen would have been fine with, because it would have meant being able to watch Joel, too, and there was nothing hard on the eyes about him.

  After dinner, he helped with the cleanup, too. And as they sat on the couch and watched another movie, Fen decided the only way he wasn’t going to end up crawling into the guy’s lap and trying to pull his zipper down was by talking.

  Finding out how really okay Joel was with Fen’s restriction needed to happen sooner rather than later. As much as he wanted this hunk, he needed to k
now he wasn’t royally fucking up.

  Fen curled his legs under him at his end of the sofa and turned to face Joel while he took a bite of Key lime pie. “So…story time, huh?”

  Joel cocked his head and angled his body to face him. “I sense this is big.”

  “Yeah. Kinda. Might make you reconsider me.” Fen poked at his Key lime pie and took another, tiny bite, swirling the creamy, tangy filling over his tongue. “There was this guy in college. Freshman. Not even nineteen yet, right?”

  Joel nodded but didn’t interrupt.

  “Literally first time away from home on his own for any length of time, up at USF in Tampa. He was out, no problem there. Nice guy for a roommate in the dorm. Didn’t care the freshman was gay, because roommate’s older brother was also gay. Our bumbling freshman started talking to a guy in one of his engineering classes second week in. Slightly older guy, hot, kind of a wolf, future bear vibe, right? Freshman can’t believe this guy seems interested in him. It was actually the wolf approaching our freshman.”

  Fen had never sat down and told anyone this complete version of the story before. Not even Tom. It hurt too fucking much, made him sick to his stomach to think about it.

  Made him fucking angry.

  Ragey, literally wanting to kill someone angry, not hangry needing a Snickers angry.

  Usually, the guys who made it far enough to want or need to know this much about him received a highly sanitized version that was reduced to three sentences or less.

  I don’t like anal because…

  He took another bite of pie. “Should mention the freshman’s dated a couple of guys by this point, some fumblings here and there with a lot of sweat and lubed hands and jizz, but our freshman’s never…been with a guy. Right? No fade-to-black romance movie scenes where they wake up the next morning in the same bed.”

  He waved his fork in the air. “Overprotective parents who were fine with me—I mean him—being gay, but who were more worried about what might happen to their son because his father is a cop who had to deal with queers and transfolks who’d been victims of violent crimes, victims simply because they were queer or trans. And he knew cops who’d worked Pulse. So…he didn’t want his son becoming another victim on a memorial wall.”

  Joel had finished his pie and set his plate on the coffee table. He now leaned forward, listening, his full attention on Fen.

  Fen stared down at his pie for a moment. “Wolf asks the freshman out a couple of times, then one night asks the freshman back to his apartment. Even back then, our intrepid freshman knew he was kinky, and the wolf indicated he was just the Top to scratch his itch and introduce him to a few things. Freshman was all on board with that, even sex, because, duh, eighteen-year-old guy. Horny as fuck. And now here are all his fantasies being brought to life? Suh-weet!”

  Fen took a deep breath and then opted to finish his pie, three large bites that he gobbled down fast before setting his plate aside. Sitting cross-legged, facing Joel, his hands in his lap, he pushed forward.

  “Rope and spanking. Not so bad. Lot of fun. Wolf wanted his cock sucked. Okay, that was hot, too. Our freshman had been trussed over a large hassock and was eager and horny and ready to play.” He picked at his fingernails, swallowing back bile.

  I should have skipped the pie.

  * * * *

  Joel wasn’t sure he wanted to hear this. He could see how uncomfortable Fen felt reliving it. “You don’t have to tell me, buddy,” he gently said. “It’s okay.”

  Fen shook his head, taking off his glasses and laying them on the table, next to his plate. “He was five years older than me,” he quietly said, his tone even softer than before, as if the weight of the memory held his voice pinned inside him. “He pulled out of my mouth, slapped a condom on, gave me about thirty seconds of two fingers with lube on them while I was still trying to figure out what the hell he was doing, then he fucked me. He’d shoved a ball gag in my mouth to shut me up after he pulled his cock out of my mouth.

  “Whole time, he told me to take it, because if I wanted to be a good little piggy for this big, bad wolf and keep playing with him, I would take it, or I could keep crying and turning him on even more because he was a sadist.”

  Joel felt a little ill but refused to move or interrupt him.

  “Worst part was he jerked me off while he did it. Still hurt, but made it feel good, right? I didn’t know what the hell that meant. I was a damn anal virgin. Hadn’t even stuck my own fingers up there. I didn’t know then that the brain can process both inputs simultaneously and that it didn’t make him less of a rapist for what he did to me just because he jerked me off at the same time.”

  Fen slowly shook his head, tears rolling down his cheeks. “When he finished he left me tied up for a while with a huge vibrating butt plug stuck in me that he’d put in as soon as he pulled out. Remember, I’m eighteen fucking years old. A stiff breeze could get my cock up, and I could easily come ten times a day if my arm didn’t fall off. Fucker tells me see? Can’t have hated it too much. Cue round two.”

  Fen shifted position, hugging his knees to him, chin resting on them as he stared at Joel. “At the end of the night, he unties me and turns into the sweet, hunky wolf again. Totally fried my brain, and not in a good way. Told me how good I was, and that my ass better be back there at seven the next night. I was scared and confused and no fucking clue what to do. I’d gone there willingly and asked him to tie me up. What was I supposed to do, claim rape? I had no clue what RACK or SSC or consent was. Had no clue I’d been raped, because it wasn’t like he forced me to be tied up or to go there. Didn’t know I could line-item consent to shit.

  “I did what he told me to. I thought I had to. And yeah, some of it I did like, but definitely not that one thing. It was expected of me to take it, like it or not, ready or not, even though I’d beg him every time not to and he told me slaves didn’t get to say no. He’d had me sign a slave contract, and I didn’t know those damn things didn’t mean shit legally, you know? Plus I was fucking confused because some of it was fun, right?

  “Except after three weeks with the guy, I was throwing up every morning and night, scared shitless, losing weight, horrible nightmares. I’m barely getting my schoolwork done. Thank god my roommate’s older brother stopped by to see me one Sunday afternoon. He was like six years older than me and working on his Master’s. To this day, I think my roommate called him and asked him to come talk to me, because he could tell something was really wrong.

  “Roomie left us alone and I finally broke down and told him what was going on. Thought the guy was going to go murder the fucker, seriously. Told me the facts of life in a way my parents never could, because hell, duh, straight and het and while they did a damn sight better than a lot of parents, this wasn’t exactly something they foresaw. He wasn’t kinky, but he had friends who were and knew enough to help me weed out the bullshit and convinced me no, the ‘contract’ was bogus.

  “Told me to cut off contact with the guy immediately. I said well, that wouldn’t be easy because he was in my class. Asked which class, when, where, who the guy was, all of that. Didn’t think anything of it at the time. I begged him not to call the cops and he promised me no, no cops. I was too fucking relieved to finally know I could say no and put a stop to it.

  “He tells me he’ll attend my next class with me. It’s the next afternoon. What I didn’t know at the time was that he had a part-time job working in the admin office, with access to student records. Guy comes to class with me, but wolf isn’t there. It’s a Monday-Wednesday-Friday class. So that was a Monday. Wednesday, the wolf is there, but looked like he’d been keelhauled, I’m talking seriously. Would not so much as look at me, and when he spotted my roommate’s brother, he literally got up and left the room. Dropped the damn class. Never heard from him again. I noticed my roommate’s brother’s knuckles looked like he’d hurt them somehow, but when I asked him what happened, he smiled and said nothing, that he busted them on a tool. I thought he meant worki
ng on a car, because I knew he worked on his own car. I was willfully ignorant from that point on once I finally realized what happened.”

  Joel knew he could never take the pain away from Fen’s soul, or erase the memory of what had happened to him, no matter how much he wanted to.

  All he could do was what he did, and that was open his arms to the man and wait, pray that he crossed the void and trusted him.

  Fen stared at him for a long, silent moment while the movie played on, unwatched. Then he crawled down the couch and into Joel’s arms, where he sobbed himself to sleep while Joel held him gently trapped between his body and the back of the couch.

  At least I’m not horny anymore.

  What he wanted to do was get his hands on the sonofabitch who’d hurt his guy—and he’d be lying to himself if he denied he wasn’t already thinking of Fen in terms of being his—and beat him to a bloody pulp.

  With Fen perfectly nestled like that, his head tucked against Joel’s shoulder, he could study Fen’s features while he slept. Beautiful, smooth skin, and tonight smelling like coconut and peaches. His brown hair was straight and fine and soft, and Joel could already imagine what it’d feel like brushing between his thighs or across his stomach as Fen went down on him.

  He lay there with his free hand resting on Fen’s chest, feeling his heartbeat softly drumming away in his chest. His sweet, limber, sexy little guy. Stronger than he looked, not only physically, but emotionally. What Fen had been through would have driven lesser men to drink, not to seek out BDSM.

  Fen had coped in the best way for him, and Joel would absolutely respect that limit.

  I will never even tell him he can tell me if he ever changes his mind. I never want him to think that of me.

  Fen was articulate and self-aware, that much was obvious. If Fen ever decided Fen was curious, Joel knew he’d speak his mind.

  Unless or until that day ever happened, Joel would always work on the assumption it would never happen.