Searching for a Heart Read online

  “Really?”

  “Really. A well-screened, heavily vetted, thoroughly interrogated guy who would likely disappear in a swamp if he so much as looks at me the wrong way.”

  “Hmm.” She studied Maddison for a long moment. “I guess that’s okay. As long as Fen and Joel sign off on him first. Oh! Do you want us to try to get you on our cruise next month?”

  Maddison shuddered. “No, seriously, no thanks.”

  “Well, before I know you said because of work—”

  “Not just work, Mom. The thought of going on a cruise squicks me out. Our restaurants were clean, believe me, I know. But the thought of being stuck aboard a floating petri dish for a couple of weeks, and not having the slightest clue how clean their kitchens are, because they don’t have regular county health inspections…I just…”

  She shuddered again. “Then there’s the whole ‘you can’t just walk away and leave the ship’ problem. Sorry, hard pass. It’s me, totally me, and I know it. I’d rather go to a fireworks display in Times Square on New Year’s Eve.”

  “Sorry, I wasn’t thinking about your PTSD.”

  “I’ll watch the house for you while you’re gone. How’s that?”

  “Sounds like a plan, sweetheart.”

  Her dad had returned just before Mads was ready to leave, and she had to go through the whole story again with him. Then she stopped by Fen’s parents’ house, and before she even left, Fen’s dad had cancelled their reservation at the resort.

  That gave her a tiny bit of satisfaction.

  Fen texted her as she was leaving their house.

  June said to call her and talk to her.

  Including her number.

  With more than a little anxiety, Mads called her as soon as she reached Fen’s house, went through the logistics with her, and decided to try a pair of Brazil bottoms under a pair of booty shorts. At least it was just the two of them in class with June. If Mads had a wardrobe malfunction, she’d think about buying one of the dance bands then.

  As the time approached to go to the class, Mads changed clothes and threw on a T-shirt and casual maxi skirt over everything and headed to the studio.

  Except she beat Fen there. Fortunately, she remembered June from the wedding, and June remembered her. “You’re the one who got him to enter that contest.”

  “Guilty.”

  “Man, that video was awesome.” June high-fived her. “Did you want to do a little, eh, experiment before Fen gets here? To make sure you have sufficient coverage?”

  “Oh, god, yes please!”

  June smiled. “Come on, sweetie.” June was funny and caring in a mom sort of way, Mads was happy to see. And trying some of the moves June showed her, it looked like her current bottoms would be sufficient, thankfully.

  Fen rushed in five minutes later. “Sorry I’m late!”

  “No worries,” June said. “We were just doing girl stuff.” She dropped Mads a wink.

  Relief filled Mads. For the first time in a long time, she felt she didn’t have to be on her guard around people she didn’t know very well. No way in hell would Fen ever put her into a situation where she wasn’t safe.

  By the time class ended, she learned she wasn’t in nearly as good of shape as she thought, that Joel was a lucky sumbitch to have bendy Fen as his hubby, and that June was part of the Frightful Five.

  Well, this’ll make Saturday interesting. Fen had already told her they would be going to dinner and the club with everyone.

  Later, after dinner and showers, Fen coaxed her into movie night on the couch with him and Joel.

  “So how did today go?” Joel asked her.

  “I really like June. I’m going to be in pain tomorrow, though.” Except the workout she’d gotten, she could tell, had played hell with muscles she wasn’t used to using, especially in her abs. And, yes, she signed up for the membership.

  “Yeah, you will,” Fen said.

  “So what are we watching?” Mads asked.

  Fen grinned as he hit play on the remote. On the screen, the opening credits for Clue played.

  Joel settled in on one end of the couch. “Fen said this is your favorite.”

  “It is. We both have it memorized. We can watch something else, if you want.”

  “No, this is good.” Joel kissed the top of Fen’s head, and her bestie looked so happy she wanted to cry.

  Maybe one day she’d find someone who’d look at her the way Joel looked at Fen.

  For tonight, Mads was happy to be on the far end of the couch, her legs draped over Fen and Joel’s laps. A catch in her right side was bothering her, though, and she tried stretching to ease it.

  “You okay?” Fen asked.

  “Stitch in my side.” She nudged him with her foot. “Made me work my ass off in class.”

  He laughed. “Not my fault you’re so competitive and wanted to show me up.”

  As the climax of the movie hit, Mads and Fen both snickered at the scene when Wadsworth and Miss Scarlett were arguing over how many shots were taken.

  Joel scowled. “Hey, that’s the code for our playroom door.”

  Mads and Fen looked at each other and burst out laughing.

  Chapter Ten

  Milo awoke Saturday morning eagerly anticipating that afternoon’s rope class. Rusty and Eliza were meeting him there and indicated they’d confirmed someone to be his rope partner, but wouldn’t say much beyond that.

  That was fine with him. As long as they were nice and didn’t have foul body odor, he could work with almost anyone. Hell, he’d even work with a guy, if it came to that. He wasn’t picky.

  He just really wanted to learn rope.

  He’d ordered a couple of June and Scrye’s books, as well as some other shibari books that had come highly recommended. But June and Scrye were teaching the class Saturday, and apparently their reputation as instructors meant the class would be full Saturday.

  Per Eliza’s recommendation, he arrived an hour early and found Eliza, Rusty, Skye, and Axel already there. Eliza grabbed some MMA mats and set up an area for Milo, Rusty, and her so they could show him some basic ties.

  “We’re going to babysit you during class,” Eliza said. “Hope you don’t mind.”

  “Mind? I’m glad for it. I want to learn as much as possible.”

  “So, listen.” She exchanged a glance with Rusty. “We need to talk before your partner arrives.”

  “Okay? This sounds serious.”

  “It…could be.”

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing’s…wrong.”

  “Eliza, dammit, I’ve known you too many years for you to go chickenshit on me now. Just say it.”

  “Okay.” She seemed to take on a fierce determination, one he’d seen her wear doing combat at ren fair with their reenactment group. “Her name’s Maddison, she’s almost twenty-seven. She was recently the general manager of a big resort over in Miami, until it was sold, and the new owners wanted their own guy in place.”

  “That sucks.”

  “Yes. She’s got a college degree in business, and she’s going back for her MBA because her severance package is covering it. And she’s moved back to Sarasota. She’s currently living with other friends of ours, Fen and Joel. Fen’s her best friend.”

  “Why do you sound like you’re leading up to something?”

  “Because I am.” She glanced around and took out her phone. “Since no one else is here yet, I’m doing this.” She swiped into something on her phone, then turned it around to show him. The young woman had beautiful greenish blue eyes and long brown hair. “That’s from her Facebook profile.”

  Milo’s heart thumped. “She’s gorgeous.”

  “She’s also got PTSD. That’s a long story that I’ll let her tell you.” She slipped her phone back into her bag.

  “Is that the big reveal?”

  “No.”

  “Again, we’ve known each other since we were kids. Just fucking tell me.”

  “She’s tran
s.”

  “Huh?”

  “She’s transgender.”

  That wasn’t…computing. “She’s trying to become a man?”

  Rusty snorted, and the backhand Eliza gave his shoulder sounded like it had some power to it.

  Especially when he flinched and said, “Ow,” and started rubbing it.

  “She’s a woman,” Eliza said. “Our friend Fen, he’s literally known her since they were kids. She transitioned way back, started before high school. I’ve already talked to June, who’s met her a couple of times now. Maddison is going to pole dancing classes with Fen, and—”

  “Wait, is Fen a guy?”

  “Yes.”

  “And Fen’s taking pole dancing?”

  “That’s your question?” Rusty snarked. “Really?”

  Eliza threw him a dark glare before focusing on Milo again. “Maddison is a woman.”

  “Can I see her picture again?”

  She pulled her phone out and showed him. The woman in the picture was smiling, but Milo sensed a cautious fragility there, now that he was really paying attention.

  “Okay, so…” He sighed. “How am I supposed to react to this?”

  “That’s my point of talking to you now. A courtesy. No one’s asking you to marry her tonight or anything. But that way if there was going to be an issue for you, you could say so now, and I’d work with you and let the barbarian work with her.”

  “Is she a nice person?”

  “June says she’s fricking adorable. I’ve only met her briefly, one time, at Fen and Joel’s wedding. Will this be a problem?”

  “Should it be?”

  “In a perfect world? No, it wouldn’t be a problem for anyone. Unfortunately, we’re surrounded by a world full of assholes.”

  Dammit, this was his life. Why should he be afraid to live any aspect of it? “I’ll be her partner. Like you said, I’m not marrying her tonight.”

  Eliza breathed an audible sigh of relief. “Thank you. I know introducing you two might be risking our perfect record, but we’re going to work on finding someone for her, too, in case it doesn’t work out between you two.”

  “You don’t think she’ll think I’m too old for her?”

  “Why would she think that?”

  “Because I’m, what, almost sixteen years older than her?”

  She wore a grim smile. “Well, then. That would be ironic, wouldn’t it?”

  * * * *

  Fen had refused to let Mads ride in the backseat, so she found herself as shotgun with Joel driving.

  And her nerves had tightened to the point she’d taken one of her anti-anxiety pills before leaving the house. Not quite panic attack territory yet, but she definitely wouldn’t be doing this if Fen and Joel weren’t there with her.

  “I’ve never met this guy,” Fen said, “but Eliza and Rusty have known him for years.”

  “Are they telling him I’m trans?” she asked, not sure if she hoped so or hoped not.

  “I don’t know,” Fen said. “I do know Eliza would probably knock someone’s block off if they were an asshole to you.”

  “If June didn’t shoot them first,” Joel quipped.

  She’d heard that story from Fen, as well as the story of their resident ghost. Although she hadn’t seen any signs of one herself.

  But from Fen’s retelling, she knew he believed it, which was good enough for her. Her bestie had a good imagination, but he was never a liar or bullshitter.

  June and Scrye were already there when they arrived twenty minutes before the class was to start. For today, Mads had opted for her usual workout clothes—a sports bra and yoga capris—over which she wore a loose T-shirt she’d take off for class. She’d brought a sundress and heels to change into for later.

  After Mads went through the sign-up process, and Joel and Fen paid their entrance fees, and all three of them were given wristbands so they could come back later for the play session, Mads followed the two men inside.

  June hurried over and draped her arms around Fen and Mads in a hug and whispered something in Fen’s ear that Mads couldn’t hear, but made Fen grin. Before she even had time to really look around at the space, Mads was basically surrounded by Joel, Fen, and June, and hustled around the mats on the floor to the far side, where two men and a woman were sitting and talking.

  The three stood immediately. Rusty and Eliza, she recognized. She also realized both men were taller than Scrye. The taller guy had fern green eyes that looked totally natural, and a solid build she could easily see herself climbing. Short blondish hair, but probably some grey mixed in, it was hard to tell. He was nearly a foot taller than her, so he had to be at least six-five.

  Holy cow. If he turned out to be an asshole, she was going to cry, right there.

  June made the introductions. “I believe you’ve met before, but this is Eliza, who we’ve told you about, and her husband, Rusty. Eliza, Rusty, this is Maddison.”

  Rusty was the shorter of the two tall men.

  “Nice to meet you again,” Mads said.

  Eliza took over. “Maddison, I’d like to introduce our friend, Milo. We’ve literally known Milo since high school.”

  Fen laughed. “I’ve known Mads since we were kids.”

  She offered her hand and liked that Milo met her gaze head-on, and he was gentle with his handshake. Not like a limp fish, but like a gentleman.

  “It’s very nice to meet you, Maddison.”

  “Nice to meet you, too.”

  It felt like everyone around them was holding their breaths, and when she looked, she realized they were all watching them. As if they’d pounce at the hint of trouble.

  Jesusfuck.

  “Don’t scare him off before he even gets to know me, Fen. Sheesh.” She realized while Milo wasn’t holding on to her hand anymore, he was waiting for her to end their handshake. Reluctantly, she drew her hand back.

  Fen finally laughed, slinging an arm around her shoulders in a way that others might think was friendly, but was deceptive. That was his “don’t fuck with my bestie or I’ll smack you with a skillet” stance.

  Actually, it was his “don’t fuck with my bestie or I’ll make you wish all I’d done was smack you with a skillet” stance.

  He’d taken on assholes in high school on her behalf who had an even larger height and weight advantage than this guy right now.

  She realized none of them were going to budge an inch until this was settled and they were certain Milo wasn’t going to flip out. While she appreciated it—more than some of them could possibly know—it was already setting her nerves on edge.

  She stepped forward and caught Milo’s arm and led him a few steps away.

  And had to literally hold up a hand to warn Fen to stay back, bless his heart.

  She motioned for Milo to lean in. “Okay, sooo…did you happen to notice the posse I’ve apparently picked up?”

  He smirked, and she had to fight the urge to rise up on her toes and kiss him.

  “Yeah. That’s a pretty intense protective vibe right there.”

  “Any idea why?”

  He rubbed the back of his neck. “If I was a betting man, I’d guess they’re waiting to see if they need to pound me for freaking out or not.”

  Her heart raced, anxiety struggling to break through. “Freaking out?”

  She was used to watching people, and right now, the only thing keeping her from dropping into full-on fight-or-flight was the fact that she did apparently now have a protective “posse” standing mere feet away.

  Adding in Scrye, who’d also walked over.

  Milo met her gaze. “Eliza told me you’re trans.”

  “And?”

  He shrugged. “And?”

  “Thoughts?”

  “Honestly?”

  “Yeah.”

  “I think you’re an attractive woman, but I’m worried that at the end of the evening you’re going to politely tell me this won’t work.”

  Mads fought to keep her heart from
melting and her hope from soaring over those two words—attractive woman. “Why?”

  “Because I’m almost forty-three.”

  She blinked. “Wait…what?”

  “What?”

  “You’re worried I’m not going to want to get to know you better…because you’re almost forty-three?”

  “Right.”

  She tipped her chin up, studying him for a moment, uncertain if he was fucking with her or not.

  “That’s not a problem for me,” she said.

  “Okay. They told me you’ve got more experience in BDSM than I do.”

  “How much experience do you have?”

  “Less than three weeks. Wait…” He seemed to be mentally calculating. “Today’s my third Saturday here. Technically I guess that’s two weeks.”

  God, he was adorable. She looked around for a little more privacy—had to give Fen another stay command—and led Milo just inside the doorway to another play area.

  She dropped her voice. “Yes, I have experience in BDSM. Not to mention I was running a large resort. It means I’m used to being forthright and open in my negotiations. Direct.”

  “Okay.”

  “I take it you’re single?”

  He smiled. “I’ve been single exactly one day longer than I’ve been involved in BDSM.”

  “What?”

  “My divorce was finalized on Friday, and Eliza and Rusty brought me here on Saturday. Although she’d abandoned the marriage long before that.”

  “Ah.”

  “Look, I’m not some whacko who’s going to flip out,” he told her. “I promise. Whatever it is, you can just say it.”

  “There’s a…story. I have PTSD. The story can be told later. But here’s the thing about me.” She waggled her fingers at her torso. “Upstairs is what you see. Downstairs, I have factory-installed parts. If that’s a problem, say so now. If it’s a fetish of yours, you also need to be honest with me now and say so, because in that case, this won’t work for me.”

  He shrugged. “Honestly?”

  “Honestly.”

  “I think you’re attractive, I’ve started realizing that maybe I’m a Dom, and right now, I’m looking to make friends and learn more about myself and all of this.” He indicated the dungeon at large. “I’d like to get to know you better. If you’d like to get to know me better, I’m open to that, too. I don’t have an opinion about your ‘parts’ one way or another, because that’s several steps past where we’re at now.”