Searching for a Heart Read online

  She relaxed. “I wanted there to be no unpleasant surprises for either of us later. I’m not getting bottom surgery.”

  She realized from the way his brow furrowed that he wasn’t sure what she meant. “My factory-installed parts aren’t ever getting an aftermarket retrofit,” she added. “And while, yes, it’s a little soon to be discussing sex, be advised my parts don’t work like your parts do. Which is another reason if I am a fetish for you that this won’t work for either of us.”

  His expression gentled. “Can we start with this class and dinner after?” He smiled again. “You might hate me by the end of class.”

  Somehow, she had a feeling she wouldn’t. “Sure. That sounds nice, thank you.”

  Fen, Joel, June, Eliza, and Rusty weren’t fast enough scurrying away from the doorway. “We’re good, gang,” Mads assured them.

  They all visibly relaxed, which made Milo laugh. “I know Eliza and Rusty can kick my ass. I don’t even want to know how dead I’d be if the rest of y’all ganged up on me, too.”

  “You have nooo idea,” Mads said.

  Chapter Eleven

  I am sooooo fucked.

  Milo was having trouble following along with what Scrye was teaching, because his damned cock didn’t want to behave. It strained against his slacks as he was trying to tie the chest harness around Mads, as she’d told him to call her.

  Didn’t help that she’d started low-key flirting with him thirty minutes into class.

  Sure, she’d given him permission to touch her boobs to do the tie, but she’d started taking great pleasure in playfully joking around with him.

  She’d pulled her hair back into a ponytail, and he had to keep fighting the urge to lean in and run his lips along the back of her long, graceful neck.

  “Is this what they call bratty behavior?” he joked as she deliberately shifted to nudge his hand with her left breast while he made one of the wraps with the rope.

  “Maaaybe.” She tipped her head back to meet his gaze. “Is that a problem?”

  “Not in the way you’re thinking,” he softly groused, opting to look her dead in the eye. “Just keep in mind while you’re being sadistic to me that I haven’t had sex in a couple of years. My ex cheated, but I didn’t.”

  Her smile faded. “Yikes. Sorry.”

  “I didn’t mean I minded.” Her smile returned. “Just fair warning, that’s all. If you ask me to spank you later, you might get more of a spanking than you bargained for.”

  She studied him for a long moment. “Promise?” she softly asked.

  “I’ve never spanked someone before. You’d be my guinea pig.”

  She leaned back, into him, resting her weight against him. “As long as you promise to respect a safeword if I have to use one. Been too dang long since I’ve gotten to play.”

  “Of course I will. As long as you aren’t too disappointed by my spanking skills.”

  A wickedly playful gleam appeared in her eyes. “I get to pop your Dom cherry, hmm? I’m honored.”

  He laughed. “Okay, seriously, I need to adjust myself. Excuse me.” She sat up while he shifted things around in his slacks so he wasn’t getting pinched anymore. “Sorry.”

  But she didn’t look sorry in the least. “I’m flattered.”

  He focused on the class again. “By the way, how do you feel about dogs?”

  “I love them, but I don’t have any pets. I really couldn’t before, with my job. Why?”

  “Just wondering.”

  * * * *

  A flash of intuition hit her. “Your ex didn’t like dogs?”

  “Didn’t like pets, period. But I don’t want to talk about her all night. Eliza said you’re going back to school…”

  The class was too damn short for Maddison’s liking. Even if nothing else happened other than she got spanked tonight, she was glad she met Milo.

  She hoped that wasn’t where things ended with them, but it was too damned soon to tell. The vibes she felt from him were totally different from the creepy douche factor Holmes had put off. It didn’t hurt that Milo was pre-vetted by Eliza and June.

  Yeah, she was a little bratty to him during class, she’d own it. She wanted to see how he’d react. If he’d withdraw a little, or play it back to her. Or, worse, shut it down because he was one of those kinds of Doms who took themselves way too seriously.

  No red flags so far.

  She opted to take a chance once class was wrapping up. “You said you’re coming to Sigalo’s, right?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Mind if I ride over with you?”

  “You can bring Fen, if you want.”

  “No, I’d like some time to talk to you without fifty people up our asses.” She sent a pointed glare to Fen, who’d leaned in so close to eavesdrop that he was literally inches from Milo’s right elbow.

  Fen scowled. “Just sitting here.” He was currently being untied by Joel.

  Joel used the remains of the rope harness still around Fen to pull him back. “C’mere, baby. Let them talk.”

  Milo glanced their way, a smile curving his lips.

  The whole exchange had amused him, thankfully.

  Another point in his favor.

  Milo’s attention returned to her, and her breath caught at the way his gaze softened when he focused on her. Like he was happy to pay attention to her.

  Like maybe he felt a little vulnerable right now, too.

  The same way Joel looked at Fen.

  “I’d like that,” Milo said. “I hope I wasn’t pressuring you to play, either. If you don’t want to play with me—”

  “I do,” she said.

  He nodded. “I did mention I’m new to this, right?”

  “Yes. It’s okay. You won’t hurt me if you listen to me.”

  “I also don’t want to trigger you or something. I don’t know anything about PTSD.”

  “I have a really sensitive startle reflex. I don’t like large, packed crowds, so if going to concerts is a big deal, I’ll warn you now I’m not that girl.”

  He shrugged. “Not a deal-breaker.”

  “I don’t do fireworks.”

  “Still with you.”

  “I don’t like shouting. Not even for sporting events. And if I have a panic attack, do not under any circumstances hold me down.”

  “Duly noted.”

  “Okay, then. There’s more, but I promise I’ll not try to sleep-murder you more than three or four times, max.” He smiled. “See? I can joke about it.”

  His smile faded. “I might not ever be ready to get married again,” he softly said. “Not after what I went through. Literally, my lawyer said he gives a free prenup with every divorce. I got fucked over by her in our relationship and in our divorce. That means I’ve got trust issues.”

  “There, see? Something else we have in common.” His smile returned. “But if you wear socks with sandals, I’m sorry, we might as well stop talking now.”

  That drew a laugh from him. “No socks and sandals. I promise.”

  “Good. I can work with a lot. As long as you can.”

  * * * *

  “I can.”

  Once class ended, Rusty showed Milo how to coil the ropes while Maddison went to change, with Eliza glued to her.

  Milo had a better than odds-on suspicion he would be the topic of discussion.

  “Well?” Rusty whispered.

  “I like her. She’s nice. And she doesn’t think I’m an old geezer, so that’s a bonus.”

  Fen walked over. “Did she tell you about me?”

  “Something about a skillet, and she wasn’t kidding.”

  He snorted. “I’ll do you a solid. You know what Sephora is?”

  “It’s a store, I think.”

  “Yep. Go to the one up at the big mall here in Sarasota. Ask for Toni, she’s usually there Tuesday through Saturday, afternoons to close. Ask her for Fen’s favorites, and she’ll set you up.” He patted him on the shoulder.

  “For me, or for Mads?”


  “Yes.” He grinned. “For you to use, and for Mads to appreciate you taking the effort to use.”

  Joel looked on and wore an amused expression. “Does this make sense to you?” Milo asked him.

  “Yep. Just go with it. He’s right.”

  Milo was ready to go when Mads emerged from the bathroom.

  Holy cow!

  He now felt seriously underdressed. She looked stunning in a purple sundress. She’d let her hair down, brushed it out, and put on makeup.

  And the stiletto sandals were at least four inches tall and gave her a sway to her hips that rehardened his cock.

  But when she walked up to him, he spotted the vulnerability right there, the same look she’d worn in the picture Eliza had shown him.

  “Ready?” he asked, holding out his arm for her to take.

  Linda had never wanted to walk like that with him, had thought it beneath her.

  Mads smiled and hooked her arm through his. “Ready.”

  Once they were in the car and on their way to the restaurant, she spoke again. “Anything you want to ask, feel free to do so now, while we’re alone.”

  “Like what?”

  “Like…anything. All I ask is that you don’t talk about me to others without my permission. I’m trusting you because Eliza and June trust you.”

  “I’d never talk about you behind your back, I swear.”

  “Okay. And that goes for me, too.”

  “Fen said he’s known you since you were kids?”

  He glanced over and noticed she looked a little curious about his choice in questions. “Yeah. We grew up a few houses apart. Our parents are really good friends. He’s the only reason I survived middle and high school. He took on bullies for me.”

  “How did your parents react when you came out to them?”

  “Confused at first, but very supportive. I knew from when I was little that I was a girl. At first, they had me be Michael at school, but after school and on weekends, they let me be Maddison. The older I got, the more certain I was, and they found a good counsellor whose practice is specializing treating and supporting trans people and gender dysphoria. By the time I was eleven, they were certain Maddison was who I was, and let me start taking stuff to block puberty, because it looked like I was starting to head in that direction. Then hormones later. It’s a lot more complicated than that, but that’s the condensed version for tonight.

  “Then, the summer before I went into high school, they worked with their attorney to legally change my name and my gender marker on all my records. They switched my school the next year, because they were afraid I’d be attacked by bullies. No one at the beginning of the next school year knew I’d been born Michael, except Fen. I was lucky I could pass as a girl without any trouble. I only had to take PE my freshman year, and I was very careful when dressing out and in. Our locker room had individual shower stalls. Mom scoped all that out ahead of time, or she would have gotten a doctor note excusing me from PE altogether. I was…really lucky. Newer school in a higher-income area. I am a best-case scenario all the way around, and don’t think I don’t recognize that. Many people aren’t a fraction as lucky as I’ve been.”

  “You said there was a story behind your PTSD.”

  It took her a moment to answer, and when she did, her voice sounded…quiet. “Yeah.”

  “I’m sorry. You don’t have to answer that.”

  “No, you need to know if this is going to go somewhere.” She turned in her seat. “Is this going to go somewhere?”

  “I don’t know. I think I’d like it to, but we just met. I’m open to it going somewhere.”

  She nodded, and then proceeded to tell him about being attacked in college.

  How she’d trusted the fucker, thought he was open-minded.

  How he’d attacked her when she told him she was trans.

  How he’d beaten and raped her. Beat her and injured her so severely—inside and out—that she had to be hospitalized.

  When she’d pressed charges, the DA declined to take it to trial because the guy claimed it was self-defense…and, well, Mads was trans, after all.

  Apparently didn’t matter that the guy was huge and Mads was tiny, and in no way would she have been able to attack the guy.

  Guy claimed the sex had been rough and consensual, not rape.

  How Fen and her parents drove up and Fen took care of her, and she withdrew from school, Fen driving her home.

  How Fen practically lived with her the first several days, holding her while she cried.

  By the time Milo pulled into Sigalo’s parking lot, Maddison’s voice had grown so quiet he could barely hear her, and he felt like he wanted to hunt down the fucker who’d hurt her and kill him with his bare hands.

  He shifted into park but left the engine running so they could talk with the AC on. He unfastened his seat belt and turned to face her. “How can you find it in you to trust any man after that?”

  Her gaze searched his face. “It’s not easy. But that’s why Fen’s all over me tonight.”

  And Milo understood why. Completely, and without an ounce of resentment now. “He loves you.”

  “He’s amazing. He’s my best friend. Which is another thing you need to be aware of—my parents and his parents, and he and Joel, will be all over us, at first. You will probably have an easier time winning my trust than theirs.”

  “Especially after what that asshole said to you in Miami.”

  “Right.” She studied her hands. Her nails were painted a dark reddish brown with metallic flecks in them, professional, but still a little playful. “I’m a package deal.”

  “I’m new to BDSM, so if this is a stupid question, I apologize. After what you went through, how can you be involved in BDSM?”

  She shrugged. “I’m hard-wired kinky. I knew that even back in high school. Fen and I used to tie each other up for fun. Just like I was hard-wired to know I was a girl, even if the factory goofed when my chassis was built.” She smiled.

  “If we keep seeing each other, will sex be on the table?” he asked.

  “On the table, on the bed, on the couch…” Her smile faded. “Or was that leading to another question?”

  “I’m not used to talking like this.”

  “It can be unnerving. It gets easier, I promise. But getting it out now is better than getting hurt later.”

  He took a deep breath and forced himself to ask it. “You said your…parts don’t work like mine.”

  She nodded. “Outside of the doctor’s office, I don’t like to call it my penis and my balls. But every trans woman is different. Some can’t wait to have bottom surgery. Some never want to have bottom surgery. Some hate their body and need surgery to feel complete. I personally have never felt like that. For me, once I started taking the puberty blockers and other hormones, and we got my marker and name changed, I felt complete. Does that make sense?”

  “Yeah.”

  “But a side effect of taking all that when I did was two-part. It helped me avoid needing some surgeries, like to shave down an Adam’s apple, or facial surgery to narrow my jaw. I grew breasts I’m happy with, so I didn’t need implants. But it also means that my penis and balls aren’t as big as I’m sure yours probably are. I also don’t have erections or orgasm the same way you do.”

  He was trying to process that. “You can’t have sex?”

  “Oh, I absolutely can have sex, and I enjoy it. But unless you’re patient and willing to let me show you how my body works, it’s going to be unsatisfying as hell for me, which will make me resentful as hell, and pretty much guarantee the relationship as a whole will go to hell.” She had an adorable smirk when she was being snarky.

  “And if I’m patient and open to learning?”

  Her soft inhale tugged at his heart. “Please don’t lead me on,” she whispered. “I’ve been through enough. I’m giving you permission to be a gentleman and let me have my dignity, so that we both win. I’ll let you walk away at the end of the ni
ght and I’ll tell everyone we had a great time, and then I’ll blame it on me, and say you’re a perfectly sweet guy but not my type. No one will hate you, I swear.”

  “What if I don’t want to walk away?” Fuck, what he wanted to do was bundle her up in bubble wrap, take her home, and keep her talking.

  Keep her making those sweet eyes at him, and keep watching the way she bit her lower lip when she was nervous.

  “I want someone who will love me for who I am, the way I am. I want someone who wants to take care of me as a person and a partner and a woman at home. Someone I can trust enough to turn myself over to and know they won’t harm me.”

  She took a deep breath. “I’m tired of having to be tough all the time. I want a guy who can wrap me in his arms and say, ‘Baby, I’ve got you,’ and mean it. A guy who won’t get tired of me in a month or a year and walk away from me because I’m not a ‘real’ woman to them.”

  She blinked back tears. “I want someone who wants to be with me and only me, like Rusty is with Eliza, and Scrye is with June, and still looking at me like that after all those years together.”

  He slowly reached out and gently cupped her cheek, his pulse racing when she nuzzled her face against his hand. “Baby,” he gently said, “please give me a chance, and let’s get to know each other. We just met, so I can’t promise you forever tonight. I swore I’d never get married again, so it’s too soon for me to think about that yet. But I promise I’ll never lie to you or lead you on or cheat on you. Will that work for now?”

  She laid her hand over his and turned to kiss his palm. “Yeah. That’ll work for now.”

  Chapter Twelve

  He had her wait to get out while he walked around the car, opened the door for her, and offered his hand.

  When she got out, Mads stared up into his eyes and hoped she wasn’t about to get her heart broken.